The Nonconformist

A night of filming at the Brigman household.

2012-02-16T12:00:00.000-05:00

Happy Valentine's day/night to all our family and friends. Here's a glimpse into our world to make you smile.

BTW, this is a typical night at our house (except for the manic iPad videoing and the Valentine's Day card) starting just before dinner time.

Happy Valwentime's Day!

Nuts, Bananas, and baby talk!

SPIDERS!

"I Seraph! I get my hair cut!"

Yes, he likes being hit on the head with a diaper.

Judah attacks! And so does the cockroach.

The humidifier spills!

(The iPad WAS smarter than me!!)

Home Birthing Parents Meme

2012-02-14T10:05:00.000-05:00

There's a plethora of these going around on Facebook. They're cute. This one is worth sharing! Sorry, I can't credit the creator...But whomever did this obviously has been there, done that.

Couldn't resist--had to share!

2012-02-08T08:42:00.001-05:00

Sorry the graphic is fuzzy! Just too good not to share!

Thanks Sierra!

Weaning Judah

2012-02-06T10:56:00.000-05:00

It is with a very heavy heart and--literally--a sick stomach, that I break the news that I've decided to wean Judah. I'm not going to make it to my minimum goal of one year.

I'm struggling this morning, as I know it will be one of the last days I tote the pump to and fro on my way through life (at least for this baby!). It's been a constant companion for me over the past several months, and though my supply has always been low, it's been worth the trouble to carry it around.

However, since shortly after Christmas, my supply has been decreasing. Judah has been more distracted, not nursing well with household activity going on during feedings. He's also gotten used to the bottles he gets at daycare. Feeding is also often interrupted by lots of biting as he continues to teethe. All of this has proven detrimental to my already low--but precious--supply.

Since before January, he's only been willing to nurse at night, putting me back in the predicament of ONLY pumping during the day, which is what wore me down for the 8 months that I pumped for/nursed Seraph. By the end of January, I was only pumping 4 ounces per day (that's 4 ounces of milk for over an hour's worth of effort over the course of a day)...not even enough for one whole feeding.

This past week I've been struggling with what to do. Part of me really wants to fulfill my 12-month commitment to this endeavor, because Judah was such a great nurser at first, and I really enjoy it very much. Nursing him is such a special privilege and the idea of giving it up "flippantly" is appalling to me.

I've struggled and second-guessed and cried and questioned. And you can be assured that this decision is not flippant. But I cannot carry the pump any more. It's draining and unproductive and tainting the emotional side of my breastfeeding relationship with Judah.

So, I've decided that I'm going to stop pumping--which will ultimately lead to weaning. I will nurse during the night until one of two things happens: my body stops making milk or Judah is no longer interested. I am trying to be optimistic, but my body's track record makes me believe that it won't respond to just night feedings for very long.

There is good news in all of this. I am looking forward to getting back to my old self. I've yet to start my cycle back, and although I never thought I'd say it, I'm desperate to feel some level of normalcy again in my body. Additionally, the mental weight of having to carry around to pump and make time in my schedule to use it will be gone! I can't wait for that.

On top of that, I've been trying to lose the baby weight with Weight Watchers since September with no luck and have been vigorously working out at the gym since the end of December (spin class almost every day in January!). Although I have plenty of weight to lose, my weight has only deceased ever so slightly. I've recorded all my snacks and meals and even had blood work done to check my thyroid. (Right after I had Judah, blood work showed that my thyroid levels were off. Now they are back to normal.) I've been greatly discouraged by the lack of movement on the scale, especially since breastfeeding is supposed to HELP lose the pounds.

So, I decided to visit a doctor and nutritionist about the issue and was informed that the prolactin in my body (the milk-producing hormone) is more than likely making my body retain its fat stores to fuel what little milk production I have. So the measly 4 ounces that I pump a day is possibly preventing me from losing weight. No wonder I never was able to lose the weight after I had Seraph...

I'm hoping with a slightly revised diet, my new daily workout, and no pumping, my hormones will return to normal and I will resume my weight loss.

The other good news? Well, thanks to some dear friends, my freezer is still chock full of bags and bags of donated breast milk for Judah! So, he won't go without...and my goal of having him be a FULLY breastfed baby for one year will be realized despite my body's inability to provide.

That makes my decision to stop pumping so much less stressful. I am eternally grateful to these women!

So please be in prayer for my heart this week--that it doesn't explode from sadness. And join with me in thanking God for the dear women who are willing to donate their time, their bodies, and their milk to my baby when mine isn't adequate.

And to my Judah, I hope you know (if you ever read this and you ever care) that I want/ed the best for you always and I so enjoyed the days I was able to nurse! Thanks for working with me and loving me. --Your mom.

When things go awry.

2012-01-31T08:59:00.001-05:00

Have you ever been hurt so deeply by someone you care so much about? Someone who's been in your life forever? Hurt so badly that you wonder if you will ever heal from the wound they've caused? Someone who claims to have the forgiveness of God in their heart, yet, no matter where you look, evidence of that forgiveness and of a contrite spirit is no where to be found?

Well I have. And I am.

Christian friends, I'm calling for some support. I'm in pain. My family is in pain.

Part of me wants to forget it all, banish the faulted people from my life forever and move on. Another part of me questions...is that what God would have me do?

Ryan and I have prayed about what to do. We have asked for forgiveness where we feel we have offended, and in the spirit of peace, we expected an apology as well, only never to receive one. (Other than a screaming rage with curse words dispersed here and there...hardly a peaceful gathering of Christian believers determined to make things right.)

It's no longer about the events that we tend to go over and over in our heads. There should be no excuses. We should stop analysing why he did what he did and why she said what she said, and focus on the relationship. Those things are in the past and cannot be changed.

Friends, my husband and I feel we have done that. We've reached out to those who have hurt us, only to be rejected. We've never been approached with any nuance of humbleness--only pride. In fact, we've never been approached at all, other than to act as if nothing happened. And Ryan and I feel we cannot do that. We feel we have bent over backwards and received nothing but prideful defiance at every turn. Indeed, the people in question are more interested in making sure that things seem alright rather than actually making them alright.

And you know, these people probably feel they are the victims. I'm sure they do. They feel attacked because we've asked for an apology as well--for them to bend towards us a little rather than the other way around, which is the way it's been historically. They feel they owe no apology--are not at fault.

Well, Christ wasn't at fault, yet he humbled himself.

He also offered a relationship that many people reject. And while he forgave some (even those who felt they owed no apology), there are many, many more who do not know him because of their sin.

There is much, much more to this story that I'm not including here. But, please, if you have any comments or suggestions, please give them. I'll be sure to respond to your comments in the comment section, so please check back.

And, please, pray for our family.

My Judah, the Stinkerbottom: 8 & 9 Months

2012-01-27T12:51:00.000-05:00

In all the Christmas rush, I forgot to post Judah's 8-month status picture. So, I've returned this month with both his 8- and 9-month pictures. Hold your breath…he's a cutie.

And Judah on January 23rd at 9 months old:

Now, if that doesn't look like me, I don't know what does.

Precious.

Baby.

Boy.

Due to a recent overload of donor breastmilk, he's becoming a chunk of a Brigman. Gone are the days of worrying over his growth and weight. Sometime last month he was weighed at the doctor's office (he had a pretty nasty ear infection) and, at that time, weighed a whopping 17+ pounds!!

I almost fell on the floor! He'd gone from 13ish pounds to 17ish pounds in just about 3 months!

He has 3 teeth now--two on the top and one on the bottom. They all decided to come in at once, so that, along with two recent ear infections, has made for several sleepless nights. He's back on good sleeping track now, though. We still nurse during the night…and I just love it! It's my special time with my baby.

He's a pulling up and crawling champ and has been for some time. I really believe he's going to be an early walker--at least earlier than his brother was (Seraph walked two days before his 1st birthday).

He says all kinds of baby sounds…Dada is his favorite. I've only heard him say "mama" once, and it was during a fussing spell, so who knows if it was intentional.

His current favorites are clapping and, when not rushing after the cat food and water bowls before we can get them up, chasing the cat and pulling out her whiskers.

He also likes to chase his brother around the island in the kitchen. It's nothing for Seraph to run to me screaming, "Judah's comin'! He's gonna get me!" And sure enough, a few seconds later, I hear the pat-pat of little hands crawling after Seraph.

I love it. I love it.

We are weaning him off of pureed baby food--he's no longer interested. He want's to chew chew chew. So we let him.

And I think that's about it for this post. Stay tuned (I promise it won't be long….I really do promise) for a post on co-sleeping that I've been meaning to write.

Danger in Delivery

2012-01-20T11:20:00.000-05:00

Here's a link to this Newsregister article. Full text below.
Women in the United States are more likely to die during or shortly after childbirth than women in nearly all countries in Europe and many in Asia and the Middle East, according to the United Nations.

While maternal mortality declined in most countries over the past 20 years, it has not just increased, but nearly doubled, in the United States.

Experts blame the high death rate partly on the heavy reliance the United States places on technological intervention, particularly when it results, as it so often does, in surgical delivery via cesarean section. They say motivators include both convenience and fear of litigation in the event of a less-than-perfect outcome.

Originally meant to be strictly an emergency action to save a struggling baby, it has become all but routine in the U.S. It is now used in almost one-third of all American births.

“Cesarean section is meant to be sort of a last resort, when there’s no way the baby is going to be born alive otherwise or the mother’s or baby’s life will be endangered,” said medical anthropologist, reproductive biology professor and registered midwife Melissa Cheyney. “Now it’s sort of becoming commonplace, and that’s where the problem lies.”

Cheyney, a member of the biology department faculty at Oregon State University, studies maternal and child health across different cultures. A practicing midwife on the side, she also chairs the state Board of Direct Entry Midwifery. And her experience in both realms convinces her America’s maternal mortality rate is too high.

Another contributing factor, experts say, is lack of access to health care before, during and after childbirth.

That is particularly true for the minority and low-income portion of the population. As a result, black women have, historically, been four times as likely to die in the course of American childbirth than their white counterparts.

“It has to do with the American health care system,” said McMinnville obstetrician and gynecologist Allan Hedges. “The countries with lower rates of maternal mortality, like Canada and Western Europe, have national health care systems. There’s greater access to health care.”

The U.S. seems to lag particularly in post-partum care.

A study by the federal Centers for Disease Control and Prevention found that “34 percent of maternal deaths occurred within 24 hours of childbirth,” while 55 percent occurred “between 1 and 42 days following birth.”

Amnesty International blamed that in part on inadequate postpartum care, noting that in the U.S., it often consists of “a single visit with a physician around six weeks after birth.” That is, many women are not seeing a physician again until 42 days after they give birth -— the end of the period during which women are most likely to die from childbirth complications.

Finally, the age and obesity of American women at childbirth have been rising steadily over the last quarter century. Both factors are associated with higher rates of potentially fatal complications.

***

Hedges, who is retiring from practice to teach and write, said reasons for the nation’s extraordinarily high Cesarean rate are as complex as the American health care system. It starts, he said, with pervasive fetal monitoring in hospitals.

The practice is intended to let doctors monitor the baby’s health continuously throughout the birthing process. But he said, “Studies show that continuous monitoring doesn’t change anything, except to increase the C-section rate.”

That is, it doesn’t change anything in a positive direction. It does change one thing in a negative direction — it costs some mothers their lives.

That’s because it leads to more C-sections, and a woman is three times more likely to die from a C-section than a vaginal delivery. C-sections also cause substantially more medical complications not resulting in fatality.

If doctors see an abnormality in the readings, Hedges said, they are more likely to perform a C-section, just to be on the safe side in a notoriously litigious area of practice. But he said, “In the vast majority of cases, those babies are fine,” despite the abnormal readings. In many cases, Hedges said, doctors simply don’t know what causes the abnormal readings.

Obstetrician/gynocologyst Dr. John Neeld of the Willamette Valley Medical Center agreed that fear of giant lawsuits is often the driver in such cases.

For example, he said, the fetal heartrate tracing patterns might be slightly elevated, but not necessarily indicative of a baby in trouble. But the combination of a doctor worried about possible lawsuits if his interpretation turns out wrong, and a patient afraid for her baby, and determined to take any action necessary to ensure its safety, often leads to a C-section that, in hindsight, was probably not necessary, he said.

“Those are not small lawsuits,” he said. “I personally have not been sued, but if I get sued for $10 million, I know I’m out of business, because my insurance willl be so high that I won’t be able to continue practicing.”

***

In March, “Contraception: An International Reproductive Health Journal,” a peer-reviewed medical journal published by the Association of Reproductive Health Professionals, published a landmark editorial on the subject. Titled, “Maternal Mortality in the United States: A Human Rights Failure,” it was authored by Francine Coeytaux of WomanCare Global, Debra Bingham of the Association of Women’s Health, Obstetric and Neonatal Nurses, and Nan Strauss of Amnesty International USA.

The editorial states:

“In contrast to many countries where women lack access to life-saving medical interventions, women and infants (in the U.S.) are often exposed to more procedures than are medically necessary or beneficial. This overuse of medical procedures increases injuries as well as costs.

“Indeed, we are unaware of any study indicating that the 56 percent increase in the rate of surgical births from 1996 to 2008 has improved outcomes. However, there are data to show that the overuse of medical procedures has increased both infant and maternal morbidity.”

Performance of a Cesarean section in one pregnancy also leads to increase the risks in the next. Consequently, doctors have historically discouraged women from attempting to deliver subsequent babies vaginally, a trend that also has helped to increase the national rate of Cesarian sections.

A number of other trends have also contributed, Hedges said.

“There is a litigation concern for many MDs,” he said. “If they don’t deliver a perfect baby, they’re going to get sued, so they’re more inclined to do a C-section sooner rather than later.”

He noted, “There’s also pressure from patients.” More and more, he said, they are coming to view both inducing labor and performing a Cesarean as routine options.

“The induction rate is really high, and that leads to more C-sections,” he said. “It used to be that you only induced someone if there was a problem with the baby. Now, it’s often done for the patient’s or physician’s convenience.”

In some cases, he said, women in late pregnancy declare they’ve simply had enough. Normal human gestation is between 37 and 42 weeks, but some women want labor induced even earlier, he said.

“I’ve had women at 36 weeks come in and say they want to be induced,” Hedges said. “Their back hurts, they’re tired, they have headaches, they can’t sleep. They want to be done.”

There is, he said, a general trend toward wanting to avoid discomfort or inconvenience. Both inductions and C-sections are seen as holding promise in that area.

“Patients ask to have C-sections because they don’t want to go through labor,” Hedges said. And many of them, he said, prefer to schedule the birth.

“Maybe the mother-in-law is going to be there to care for the other kids,” he said. “There’s a lot of pressure. I think it’s a small part, but it’s a part.”

***

Some of the increase in the death rate recording may be due to better reporting. But the authors of the Contraception editorial said, “While it is unclear how much of the increase is due to reporting, these changes alone do not adequately explain the near doubling of maternal deaths.” And some critics believe maternal death is actually being under-reported in the U.S.

In a 2010 report titled “Deadly Delivery,” Amnesty International said, “U.S. authorities concede that the number of maternal deaths may be twice as high, as reporting of pregnancy-related deaths as a distinct category is mandatory in only six states — Florida, Illinois, Massachusetts, New York, Pennsylvania and Washington,” and there are no federal requirements.

Perhaps because the causation seems so diffused, complicated and unclear, efforts to rein in America’s exceptionally high maternal mortality rate have largely gone for naught so far.

In January 2010, the Joint Commission, an independent non-profit organization that certifies health care organizations, issued a warning that maternal mortality was actually on the increase in the U.S. It quoted Dr. William M. Callaghan of Reproductive Health Division of the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.

Callaghan noted the U.S. had once set a goal of bringing its rate of maternal deaths down to 3.3 per 100,000 live births by 2010. The country has made no progress toward reaching that goal, he said.

In fact, the government has now given up on it. Now, it proposes to reduce maternal deaths to 11.4 per 100,000 live births by 2020.

While the national rate stood at 12.7 in 2007, and seems virtually stuck there, state rates vary widely.

Only five states met the 2010 standard, and Oregon was not one of them. Its rate was twice as high. Nationally, rates currently range from 1.2 in Maine to 34.9 in Washington, D.C.

***

In “Deadly Delivery,” Amnesty International noted that a woman is five times more likely to die in childbirth in the U.S. than in Greece, which has the world’s lowest maternal mortality rate.

The United Nations releases a new report every five years. The United States ranked 41st in child mortality in the 2005 report, but had slipped nine spots to 50th by 2010.

The United States averaged 12.7 deaths per 100,000 live births in 2009, up from 7.1 a decade earlier. Nearly every industrialized nation in the world does better than that, as do several developing nations, according to the U.N.

And Amnesty International says that understates the problem in one important respect. While the U.S. averages more than two childbirth deaths a day, it logs even more near-death experiences, some of which lead to lasting impairment.

In the U.S., it said, “Severe complications that result in a woman nearly dying, known as a ‘near miss,’ increased by 25 percent between 1998 and 2005. During 2004 and 2005, 68,433 women nearly died in childbirth in the U.S.A. More than a third of all women who give birth in the U.S.A. – 1.7 million women each year – experience some type of complication that has an adverse effect on their health.”

What’s more, at least half of maternal deaths occurring in this country are preventable, according to the National Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.

Of course, it could be worse — much, much worse. Haiti, where Hedges once did a tour, is one of the places where it is.

“When I worked in Haiti,” Hedges said, “the maternal mortality rate was 700 in 100,000 women. There’s a big difference.”

***

Hedges said the health of a woman when she enters into childbirth also plays a role. And both age and obesity are factors in that.

In the United States, he said, “Women are having babies at an older age. That increases the risk of complications.”

And he said, “Twenty-five percent of women are obese now in pregnancy. That definitely increases the risk of complications, and the rate of C-sections.”

Obese women, he said, are more likely to suffer high blood pressure and gestational diabetes during pregnancies. Those, he said, are both factors contributing to poor outcomes.

Lack of access to health care is another problem, Hedges said.

If women start out with health problems, and don’t receive care for those problems before becoming pregnant, or at least in the early stages of pregnancy, they are likely to worsen under the stress of late-stages pregnancy and cause complications.

“If they have no access to health care — if they lack insurance, they lack money, they lack access to providers — they’re going to carry those problems into pregnancy,” he said. “It starts pre-conception, even with access to birth control to prevent unintended pregnancies.”

Contraception said nearly half of all American pregnancies are unintended, and they tend to have worse outcomes for both mother and child. That, Hedges said, is partly because many insurance companies don’t cover the cost of birth control and millions of women lack insurance in any event.

In its editorial, Contraception concluded, “Too many women in the United States face shortages of providers and facilities and inadequate staffing; financial, bureaucratic, transport and language barriers; care that is not culturally appropriate or respectful; a lack of opportunity for informed decision-making; and the lack of a system to ensure that all women receive high-quality, evidence-based care.”

The magazine said that affects black women disproportionately, noting, “For the last 50 years, black women who give birth in the United States have been approximately four times as likely to die as white women,” and “studies illustrate that women of color often are less likely to receive beneficial treatments that could have prevented their death or injury.” But it said improvement is needed across the board.

Your Toddler's Brain!

2012-01-17T08:48:00.000-05:00

Right on!

What's your HONEST opinion?

2012-01-05T10:33:00.000-05:00

Here's a way to start off 2012 right!

Let me know what you think of THIS:

A controversial new doll is leaving some parents wishing for the good old Cabbage Patch days.

A Spanish toymaker known as Berjuan has developed a breast-feeding doll that comes with a special halter top its young "mothers" wear as they pretend to breast-feed their "babies." The halter top has daisies that cover the little girls’ nipples and come undone just as easily as the flaps of a nursing bra would.

The doll — called Bebe Gloton, which translates as “gluttonous baby” — makes sucking noises as it "feeds."

Like many other dolls, Bebe Gloton can cry, signaling she wants more milk.

Although many health care providers promote the benefits of breast-feeding, parents around the world have criticized Berjuan, saying the idea of breast-feeding is too grown-up for young children -- and may even promote early pregnancy.

"That's not cool," Lori Reynolds, of El Paso, Texas, told KFOXTV.com. "No, I would never get that for my child."

But other moms said they support the product.

"I think that it’s great that people want to have a doll that promotes breast-feeding,” said Rose Haluschak, also of El Paso. “Most dolls that are purchased come with a bottle. That is the norm in society, an artificial way to feed your baby.”

Dr. Manny Alvarez, managing health editor of FOXNews.com, said although he supports the idea of breast-feeding, he sees how his own daughter plays with dolls and wonders if Bebe Gloton might speed up maternal urges in the little girls who play it.

“Pregnancy has to entail maturity and understanding,” Alvarez said. “It’s like introducing sex education in first grade instead of seventh or eighth grade. Or, it could inadvertently lead little girls to become traumatized. You never know the effects this could have until she’s older.”

Alvarez said breast-feeding reduces childhood infections, strengthens maternal bonding and increases the child’s immune system. But introducing breast-feeding to girls young enough to play with dolls seems inappropriate, he said.

“What’s next?” wrote Eric Ruhalter, a parenting columnist for New Jersey’s Star Ledger. “Bebe Sot — the doll who has a problem with a different kind of bottle, and loses his family, job and feelings of self-worth? Bebe Limp — the male doll who experiences erectile dysfunction? Bebe Cell Mate — a weak, unimposing doll that experiences all the indignation and humiliation of life in prison?

"Toy themes should be age appropriate. I think so anyway.”

"Tank you for your bessings. Awe-waw-men!"

2011-12-16T12:50:00.001-05:00

Some recent Seraph and Judah happenings at the Brigman household, ENJOY!

"What's in there?"

Judah approaches...attacks!

"I dec-en-rator tee!"

(I'm decorating the tree.)

Raspberries from the stinkerbottom.

Nadiah's Birth Story

2011-12-12T08:59:00.002-05:00

The following is the birth story of Nadiah, written by her mom, Kaiti, who's a facebook friend of mine. Like me, Kaiti's been on a journey. Although her journey isn't quite like mine, and doesn't end the way she anticipated, it's still a beautiful story. I applaud Kaiti for advocating for herself and her daughter (both literally and figuratively) during her pregnancy and labor, for striving for the gold, and for aspiring to teach others.

Kaiti, I know you'll make a fabulous midwife someday!
________________________________________________

{I apologize in advance if this is kind of hard to follow and isn't the most eloquently-written thing you've ever read. A lot of it is blurry to me - especially in the sense of time, and I'm not completely sure how I feel about parts of the events. I will probably write a more thorough story of Nadiah's birth eventually, after I've had lots of time to reflect on it.}

On Tuesday early in the morning of December 6, I laid down with my giant cup of Circle K ice and 'The Audacity of Hope' by Barack Obama, a book Shane had bought years ago and I'd only read the very beginning of. I read with ice every night before going to sleep for the last month or so of pregnancy. After several minutes, I noticed contractions coming in regular intervals. They weren't incredibly hard contractions - but definitely noticeable and definitely every three to four minutes. Could it be that after six days of seemingly real, latent phase labor, I was suddenly thrust into active labor just like that? I didn't get excited, but focused and did some easy work for two hours. By the time two hours was up (the arbitrary amount I'd decided meant I was actually in labor were I still actively contracting at the end of it). By 4:08am - two hours from when I began timing contractions - I was working pretty hard through contractions, moaning and breathing through them. I woke Shane and asked him to get up with me. I was having difficulty just laying in bed through them now. We got up and set up shop in the living room. We got the kids' stuff ready for the day, since it was early morning, they'd probably be heading to Grandma's and I shuffled around, trying to think of last-minute things I had yet to do and wanted done before the birth. I worked steadily through contractions, amazed that they were still coming, were still regular, were the real thing. My excitement emotional signpost was very short though, as I refused to accept that this was really it because I didn't want to be let down and I didn't want Becky driving five hours to a birth that wasn't going to happen yet. We called our midwife back and she confirmed to me that it sounded like the real thing, which totally boosted my confidence in what was happening. My body, could start spontaneous labor, without Pitocin...whoa. Time passed quickly for me and the sun crept up in the sky. By 7:30am, Shane's mom had come to get the kids and I was working a lot harder. I was irritated just by people talking around me, could barely deal with contractions in anyone's presence at all - much less three kids under six years old (who, to their credit, tried really hard to be calm and peaceful). I just kept wanting to be alone with Shane. I can't remember what time exactly our midwife arrived, but I remember demanding that Shane call her and have her come because I wanted that birthing tub desperately by now. Becky was on her way, and we were getting somewhere. I thought to myself that this labor might go really fast and I seriously wondered if Becky would even make it in time. Becky arrived at, I believe, around 11am, and I was well into a working pattern. It was getting more intense and everyone was really supportive. From the beginning of the truly intense contractions, I was making Shane "breathe with me" in which he would take long, deep breaths at the same time I did through every single contraction. I don't think any man understands breathing through a contraction quite like Shane does now! Everyone encouraged and supported me amazingly and I reached a point that looked strikingly like transition. Everyone geared up as I begged Shane to help me and told everyone I couldn't do it anymore and I was done. They prepared the room for a new baby and I labored in the pool through some very, very intense contractions that appeared to be leading me up to pushing. I asked my midwife to do my first vaginal exam of the labor (I had asked her hours before, but she had gently talked me out of it because what good was a number going to do, and what if it was lower than I thought, and dilation isn't everything in telling where a woman's at in labor. Shane also steered me away from the vaginal exams. But now, I wanted to know how inevitably close I was, and I suspect everybody else was a bit curious too. Eight centimeters, stretched to nine. Almost fully dilated! But the contractions were so very, very hard and painful. I typically have a high threshold for pain, and my mind was blown. I tried to hard not to fight against the contractions, which is so difficult when my gut instinct was to say "No no no," every time I felt one of these new, super intense contractions coming on. I got pretty frustrated by the pain and cried some, which made it hurt much worse. I labored around a bit whale-like in the birth pool for awhile, relishing the breaks between contractions, which were growing fewer and farther between, until they seemed to kind of reverse, and I was getting longer breaks between contractions. It was almost as if I recovered from labor to some extent. I had time to chat it up between contractions and they were getting less and less intense. I thought, Great! I'll be one of those lucky ladies who gets the hour-long nap after dilation and before pushing! Everyone else seemed to think that's what was happening too. I asked if the midwife thought I was fully dilated and she said she'd be shocked if I weren't. But things slowed down more. I was glad, but slightly anxious to be pushing the baby out. Our midwife started to seem concerned. Rather than resting, she wanted me up and around. She wanted contractions to continue - not slow to a stop. She wanted to see more progress, and we all began to wonder what was happening in there. She did a cervical exam and found me still at 8-9cm. I was confused. I had felt myself transitioning, everyone had clearly heard it - the desperation and self-doubt, the irrational demands and the quitting. But now I was free from the demands of labor aside from an occasional, moderate contraction and a constant, dull throbbing at the corners of my prior incision scars. And then things got long and drawn-out and frustrating and weird. I was so tired; I hadn't slept at all the night before and it was now getting late in the day on Tuesday. It had been about twenty-four hours of active labor when we all decided that something was happening out of the ordinary, that I did not yet have a pushing urge and wasn't completely dilated yet (although my membranes were ruptured), and it was time to formulate some kind of game plan. My only idea was to rest. I was exhausted and sleep was enticing me in. By this time, Becky had had to leave to go home and our midwife and her assistant were clearly very exhausted. We all laid down and slept, and my contractions started returning. First every twenty minutes, an incredibly painful contraction. Then every fifteen minutes. And within an hour or two, they were back at two or three minutes apart and they were HARD. I felt like something was wrong. These were the most painful contractions I'd ever experienced or heard of. It was this one specific spot that the pain was just out of this world. I tried desperately to fight panicking in the middle of each peak, but it would grow and grow and intensify into this beast that I simply could not ride and I would give in to panic and beg and demand - gasping - that those around me help me, please please, I can't do this anymore, seriously. (And I *was* serious). It had been some time of these outrageously hard contractions when my midwife checked me again. No change. I felt like punching the ceiling. The baby's heartrate had been increasing, although she kept it closely monitored and we started to see signs that the baby wasn't tolerating this anymore. We tried switching positions to where my head was down on the floor with my chest and my butt was up in the air, in case it was a cord compression issue. The heartrate stabilized slightly after this, but my midwife noticed that the baby had reengaged occiput posterior. Somewhere around this point, our midwife suggested that we needed to make some decisions and I broke down and sobbed for a good five minutes, telling Shane that I did not want another c-section. As I cried to Shane, the midwives took down the birth pool and it became clear to me that a normal, safe birth may have slipped out of reach. The problem for me was understanding why and how. Meanwhile, the contractions raged on full-speed ahead, making no progress in what was left of my cervix and I felt like something was sledge hammering my pelvis with each contraction. This isn't normal, my brain was telling me. So, at twenty-eight hours into labor, roughly 8-9cm dilated, I made the decision to get help. I dressed quickly, threw a few things into a bag, and we called Shane's dad to come stay at the house with the sleeping kids (who had come home the night before to sleep). My father-in-law arrived and we were off to Barberton Hospital (where I'm writing this from now). Contracting in the van was one of the most horrible experiences I've ever had. I was at the point where I would just yell angrily "aaaaggggghhhhhh" through contractions while doing some not-so-Bradley hyperventilation-like gasping while pulling as hard as I could on the ceiling handle (did they put those there just for laboring women?) After being stuck behind two school buses and having about eight contractions in the car, we arrived. I booked it inside, contracting and doing my loud yelling coping in front of whoever happened to be around. I didn't care one bit. I yelled through a contraction in the full elevator on the way up to labor & delivery. Everyone scurried around us, drawing blood, asking the same questions over and over. I was completely focused on not feeling another one of these contractions again. I even tried pushing during them, despite not having any urge to push at all. If pushing had helped alleviate any of the pain, I was on board. But it didn't. I managed to refuse some asshole doctor trying to put in an internal fetal monitor and made it clear that we wanted no interventions beyond the c-section that was inevitably going to lead to my child's birth. It took no time at all for them to get the operating room ready and get Shane scrubbed up and before I could mentally adjust to it, I was getting a spinal block in the freezing cold operating room and they were cutting into my abdomen. The obstetrician who did the surgery was very nice and communicated to me what was happening and respected our wishes to check for ourselves the sex of the baby. Shane got to see first, but they didn't hold the baby up higher than the scrub sheets for me to see. The look on Shane's face was priceless though, and I heard them calling the baby "him", so I said "it's a boy, isn't it?". Shane wasn't going to tell me, but I wouldn't stop asking and he finally gave in and said "it's a girl!" and we stared at each other in disbelief because we had been 99% sure this baby was a boy.

I was never separated from Nadiah. She was across the room for a few moments, but they promptly handed her to Shane as soon as they established that she was healthy and fine (her Apgar scores were 9 and 9, the highest of any of my kids), and Shane held her by my head while the surgical team finished sewing me up. Then we were put in a room - not a recovery room - and I started to try to piece together what had gone wrong.

We got a chance to talk to the obstetrician who performed the surgery and then I got to talk to one of the operating room nurses who had seen first-hand what was going on when they cut me open. I asked lots of questions - about adhesions, about cord length and wrapping, about my hip injuries, about baby's previous transverse then oblique positions during late pregnancy. And the story began to fall into place. I noticed Nadiah had several red scratches on her head at the occiput. And it was explained to me that her head was extremely low and that she had lodged it kind of cockeyed into my pubic bone. Then, with the contractions from hell in which the pain was unbearable but no progress was made, it was Nadiah trying to reposition her head repeatedly to be able to pass the pubic bone (which feels like it's broken now, as I recover). With the aid of those contractions that wouldn't stop plunging her head-first into my pubic bone over and over, she continually got stuck against it. I think it's because of my hip injury, combined with her turning posterior during labor - likely as an attempt to fit her head through. The pieces fit when I find each one and place them together.

Nadiah Astrid Merisol Glazier was born at 8:12am on Wednesday, December 7, 2011 - thirty hours after active labor established itself, via c-section. She weighed 8 pounds, 3 ounces and is 21" long.

We tried our hardest, but some things are out of our control, and that's been the hardest lesson for me so far. I was the one saying I wouldn't transport to the hospital unless someone was dying, and we transferred without anyone's life directly in jeopardy. But it was a serious decision and one designed to eliminate the possibility of a real emergency. I don't regret our decision to transport, although I know that in the future, I will need to grieve the loss of my final chance at having a natural birth. Luckily for me, I have the most understanding husband on earth who is already grieving for me, who sat and cried as we were about to leave for the hospital because he knew what I was losing, and that makes the process so much more tolerable. I'm now recovering and it's the most painful recovery of the four c-sections. It would have been regardless, with adhesions galore and an incision site that has seen the scalpel so many times. I am not happy to have had a c-section or happily recovering now, but I'll make it through this. With all the risks that cesareans carry, I feel lucky to be walking away from this one with a uterus still intact, with no severed organs, with no catastrophic blood loss or embolism or morbidity. There's a lot of pain, and it certainly isn't my dream of recovering from a natural birth, where I can easily feed Nadiah and can walk and bend over and won't need a month before I can roll over in bed. But it is what it is. It does matter how Nadiah came into this world, and it is disappointing to me. But I gave it the best shot I could, went for the gold, and fell short. And it's still going to be okay.

Don't cut that cord!! (Cool Pictures)

2011-12-09T09:01:00.001-05:00

Here's a link to the article.

New Research On Cutting The Cord, And Some Cool Pictures Too

Last month the New York Times ran a piece about the new research on cord cutting. Since the 1950s (when moms were given strong drugs and babies were whisked immediately away) it’s been the routine practice to cut the cord ASAP. But research is now showing that delayed cord clamping–even just by a few minutes– may be beneficial to the baby. You can read more about why here and here but the basic gist of it is that by cutting so soon, we deprive the baby of a last blast of oxygen, iron and nutrient rich blood. Studies are showing that when babies get this blood they have larger stores of iron months later. It also just makes sense to let the baby continue to get oxygen-filled blood during those first few minutes when breathing is established. Nature seems to have thoughtfully designed this process, right? So today, I want to share some incredible pictures from this terrific educational website.

Here’s a picture of the cord right after birth, look how thick and full of blood it is. (The midwife could see the cord pulsing with the babies heartbeat. Cool. But also, it’s filled with Wharton’s Jelly, a gooey, elastic substance that lines the cord and prevents kinks and knots from happening in utero. Also cool.)

Right after birth, full of blood

Look several minutes later: Less blood and the jelly is thinning out.

Several minutes after birth.

At fifteen minutes post-birth the cord is totally limp and the blood has stopped pulsing. It’s done it’s job, time to cut it.

Fifteen minutes after birth.

Ask your midwife or doctor about delayed cord clamping.

Babies Should Not Be Born to Moms on Their Backs

2011-12-09T08:53:00.001-05:00

Here's a link to the article.

For some bizarre reason in the US, a huge percentage of babies are born to mothers who are lying on their backs with their feet in stirrups or being held by doctors. It goes against every natural instinct and even gravity, yet still we do it. Maybe labor wouldn't get such a bad rap if we delivered the way nature intended.

There are many reasons not to give birth on the back and really only one to do so -- doctor's convenience. But on your back, the uterus compresses major blood vessels, which is why women aren't supposed to lie on their backs during the later stages of pregnancy. This could deprive the baby of oxygen or make mom feel dizzy or queasy. The baby’s head also puts pressure on pelvic nerves in the sacrum, which makes labor contractions more painful.

If the baby’s head is bearing down on the cervix, dilation happens faster. Certified nurse-midwife Katy Dawley, the director of the Institute of Midwifery at Philadelphia University in Pennsylvania, told Fit Pregnancy:

Lying on your side, standing, sitting, walking, rocking—anything that keeps you active can help decrease pain and speed up labor. In the throes of labor, you’re not going to be able to advocate for yourself.

Movement helps ease labor pains and squatting helps move the baby into position. I used a birthing stool that helped me squat both times, and both of my labors were fast, easy, and had relatively little pain. Fit Pregnancy lists the best labor positions in a recent article and they include easy ways to ease the pain and then suggest squatting during the pushing phase.

A warm bath does wonders, as does a birthing ball and counter-pressure applied from a partner or doula. Women who choose natural, drug-free birth don't necessarily do so because they're simply insane or want to show others up (as is often assumed). It's also just often a faster, easier way of giving birth.

The way we give birth in this country goes against nature in so many ways. Why not open our minds to the possibilities and look at other cultures and how they do things? We might find easier ways of bringing our children into the world. Is that really so wrong?
Did you use any of these positions?

The Dance of Grief

2011-12-08T11:16:00.003-05:00

This is a poem that was given to Crystal and me from our good friend, Eve, who has suffered the loss of two of her own sons. It's a heart-wrenching, true poem. If you've ever wondered how to relate to someone in deep despair, this poem will give you a good indication of where to start.

The Dance of Grief -- Author Unknown

I dance the dance of grief.
I am not attractive, I am not at my best.
I may step on your toes.
But I cannot help that.
I must dance the dance of grief.
And I am slow.
Very slow.

You may wish I would speed up.
I wish to God I could,
But no, I cannot.
I must dance the dance of grief.

My dance is not graceful in its slowness,
                         but torturous.
The dance overcomes me sometimes
                         and nearly rips me apart.
The slowness almost kills me,
                         draining me bit
                                                  by
                                                           bit,
                         leaving me a ghost.

Be my partner.
Let me lead.
Bow when I bow,
Turn when I turn,
Stop when I stop.
Move with me around the perimeter of the dance floor.
See with me the noisy spectators,
Those who say they want to be my partner
                        but cannot be,
                        will not be.
I will not choose them for this dance.
They want this dance to be quick, efficient, romantic,
Somehow fulfilling their expectations.
But it cannot be that.
I cannot be that.
I must dance the dance of grief.
And it is slow.
Very slow.

In my way, I am regal as I dance this dance.
I hold my head up, wrap the black veil over my shoulders
                        and lead off.
Can you follow me?
Will you?
Bow with me,
                        turn with me,
                                      walk this leaden promenade with me.
But when the time comes—but only when—
Remind me that I did not invent this dance,
But have choreographed it to suit me.
Reassure me that I am dancing well.
Help me see that others have danced this dance before me,
                        are dancing it now,
                                             will dance it later.
Much of this dance I know I must dance alone.

But for now, dance with me.
Hold me.
Be patient.
Dance with me until the music stops.
Believe me that I wish this dance were over.
But for now, I must dance the dance of grief.
And I am slow.
Be my partner.

Judah the Scoota: 7 Months Old

2011-12-07T14:30:00.001-05:00

This was going to be the title of the post last week when I meant to write it. However, now it should be Judah the CRAWLER!!! Yes, folks. That's right. Our tiny Judah is crawling up a storm. he's been trying for a few weeks now, but got it down-pat on Monday and has been non-stop ever since.

Yesterday he decided he wanted to take down the Christmas tree. Thankfully, it's much bigger than he is, and his attempt was unsuccessful.

Judah was 7 Months old the day before Thanksgiving.

And here's a video Ryan shot on Monday when he was just figuring it out (God bless my dear husband and his baby talk):

More notable things about Judah this month:

--He's saying "dadadadada" and babbling a lot more. He likes to stick out his tongue and blow raspberries.

--He's chucked up quite a bit in the past month. I don't know how much he weighs, but for the first time in his life, he has "canklets" and pudgy wrists. We began really beefing up his intake of both breastmilk and cereal/food after such a low weigh-in last month. He fits comfortably into size 6 month clothes now, although he can still squeeze into some 3-6 sizes.

--He is sitting up well but can still be wobbly and hasn't figured out yet how to go from sitting to crawling or crawling to sitting.

--He is reaching out to be picked up when one of us approaches.

--He is out growing his bathtub. Here are some recent pictures of our bath-time endeavors, which are becoming increasingly difficult and dangerous. (Note the cute little birthmark on his left butt cheek!)

I "heart" you too, Judah!!

Deja Vu: Selah's Birth Story (Trigger)

2011-11-22T11:18:00.006-05:00

"My baby is dead, Jennifer!" She was weeping on the phone. She had just seen the ultrasound. She was only 20 weeks along.

No. Not again. This wasn't real.

"I can't do this again."

I can't either.
___________________________________________

I left work immediately and drove, sobbing, to meet her at her house. I called again on the way. I just needed to let her know I loved her.

My mind reeled: What do I say? How can this be? I've been lying to her for five months. I've told her she was going to have this baby. I'm a liar.

"What am I going to do?" she asked.

And I lost it. "Crystal, I don't know." I was hysterical, my voice losing control. I've always been in control. I've been able to be strong and keep my cool for her. I couldn't. For a second, I couldn't.

"I don't know. I can't imagine what you feel. I don't know what to say to you." Pause. Sob. "But I know that your pain doesn't scare me. I'm not going anywhere. I will be right here."

I wonder if she remembers that as clearly as I remember saying it.
____________________________________________

I opened the door, invited myself in. I was the first to arrive. She came around the corner, saw it was me, and broke down. It was that same face she had had that day in the hospital bed. Swollen face. Closed eyes. Beautiful freckles.

Deja vu.

I held her and kissed her forehead, marveling at how much taller I felt than her today. I usually don't notice it. She seemed so small.
____________________________________________

She labored at home and I sat with her. I rubbed her back, watched her maneuver on top of her birthing ball. We talked and we waited.

After about eight hours, her contractions got stronger. I followed them to the hospital to help deliver their baby.

Deja vu.
____________________________________________

In the emergency room, there was a short wait as people were checked in. Could they not see she was about to give birth? Didn't they see her pain? Didn't they know her baby was dead? They were taking their time. Going too slow. I wanted to take the phone out of the receptionist's hand and smash it on the counter.

Her contractions were a minute and a half apart. She paced and moaned. She was going to have a baby. I thought she might have it on the floor of the waiting room.

They asked silly questions: "Has your water broke?" "What's your date of birth?" "Does labor and delivery know you're here?"

I almost lost my cool.
_____________________________________________

As we walked down the hall toward the room where she would labor, we passed Zion's room and she cried. "No, not that room. I can't do it in that room."

But we passed that room and went into the one beside it. We were going to taint a different room.

She refused to lie down, and she refused pain medication. I was proud. If she couldn't have her baby, she was at least going to have her birth. They weren't going to take that away from her again.

For thirty minutes she paced and moaned. She swung her hips and squatted over the bed. I helped her the best I could. I swayed with her and rocked. I moaned with low sounds, too, as I did in my own labor. My body new what to do in this reenactment, and for a moment, for me, death was ignored.

Her contractions came...long...lasting upwards of three minutes each, with double and triple peaks. They never seemed to end. She'd have thirty seconds to rest and the next would come. It baffled me how, despite the small size of her baby, she was enduring the labor of a woman delivering at full term.

Finally, she complained of pressure and headed to the bathroom. I hit the call button for the nurse.

It was a blur. The baby was coming and the nurse wasn't going to make it.

She cried out, "It's the baby's head. Catch it!"

And, there, standing in the doorway between the bathroom and the birthing room, she gave birth to her baby. Her husband caught it with cupped hands, smiling. He paused there, not knowing what to do, just basking in the thrill of assisting his wife. Momentarily, for him, death was ignored.

It took me a few seconds to realize that what he held was all there was...a small, dark pouch. He had caught his baby, still in the caul. It was smaller than any of us had anticipated.
______________________________________________

She was small, about half the size of a banana. There were 10 fingers, 10 toes, minuscule finger and toenails, a tiny face, knobby knees, and her mother's flat feet.

The doctor had no answers.

Deja vu.

They named her Selah--a special name to me. It would have been my son's name had he been a girl. It means "to pause and praise"...to lift up and contemplate.

It fit their little girl. It was perfect.

_____________________________________________

On Saturday, we buried her in a wooden box in her Nana and Papa's backyard. The day was beautiful as the leaves fell and the air smelled of dampness over a backdrop of lofty hills.

I sang a song by the group Selah, I Will Carry You. It was hard for me not to cry, but I wanted to be strong for them. She deserved this song and it was my gift.

We watched as the men planted an apple tree over her box and slowly filled in the dirt. I watched her as she watched and I ached while she ached.

_______________________________________

My dearest Friend, I love you and though I don't understand why God chose this, I still believe that He is good. I know he will restore you to FULL happiness in His time and I believe He will bless you with many babies with big, bright, happy smiles.

Until He chooses to do that, however, He's given me a job. It's a job I love and I'm not going anywhere. I cannot bring back Zion or Selah, but I will be right here. Although I know it often feels like it, you are not alone physically or in your grief. You are STRONG in the Lord, as am I. Together, with His help, we will conquer fear. We will be a force to be reckoned with, and Satan can't stand against us.

"Hear, Hear! Birth Without Fear!"

2011-11-17T09:19:00.001-05:00

The following is a comment on my last post, Birth Without Fear. It's well written and worth a read, so I thought I'd make it more assessable to you nice folks!
__________________________________________________
Can a male chime in here? :)

After seeing what my wife went through during our 2 very unnatural hospital births, (pitocin, epidurals, 1 induction) let me say that I have great respect for ALL mothers. I do, however, find it comical that some moms, in their quest to be "womanly" or "up-to-par" or whatever, feel the need to equate their very unnatural birth experiences with those who had a truly natural birth. Possibly, it's due to a redefining of the term, "natural", or maybe they're compulsive liars...or it could just be a pride issue.

It reminds me of something us men might say...(A): "I worked, trained hard and I finally climbed that cliff!"...(B): "Yeah, well, I took the chairlift only because there wasn't a medic around...just in case I roused up one of my old sports injuries and fell, or something...but it was really high and I could feel every bump in that unpleasant chairlift ride...so, hey! I'm just as good as you!"

In both cases, both ended up in the same place...only one major difference: "A" faced his fears head on, while "B" avoided the worst of his fears by taking a whole other route.

I guess it's that old stinking pride thing that we all deal with. For some, they have no problem admitting there were fears and while screaming, "give me the drugs!" they took the "B" route; there's nothing wrong with that. I also know some are forced to take the B route for medical reasons...nothing wrong with that either...but those who are intent on letting the "A" group know they weren't scared and they're just as strong, even though they, in actuality, "planned" to take the "B" route, are just fooling themselves. The whole "B" route was set up to "alleviate" fear...not face it and conquer it.

Just my 2.5 cents from husband's perspective

--Jeremy

Birth Without Fear

2011-11-16T16:51:00.002-05:00

I am not an easily offended person. The only way anyone or anything can offend me is if I choose to let it offend me. I usually live and let live and I do a fairly good job of accepting people where they are in their journey...whether it be a religious/spiritual journey, a general life journey, or a birth journey.

So, with that said, I have to once again, delve back into the world of defending my ideals of fearless birth. This time, however, I am not up-in-arms or angry. I am not out to get anyone or prove something. However, I am offended. Hence, the motivation for this post.

_____________________________________________________

A powerful, life-changing birth is hard--obviously physically, but emotionally and mentally as well. And in most circles, and especially in our culture, planned natural birth is practically unheard of. Very few women are aware there can be such a thing and even fewer actually attempt it. Why? Because its a process...a long and hard struggle that doesn't just begin with labor and end with the birth of a baby.

It has very little to do with choosing to accept or not to accept certain interventions in labor. It has very little to do with pain tolerance and pain management techniques. It has little, or nothing, to do with being macho, proving something to someone else, or "out-birthing" another woman.

No, the process begins long before that. It begins at that point in a woman's pregnancy when she realizes that there can be more to birth, and she chooses to do things differently. She begins a journey that is less focused on which care provider she will choose and more focused on overcoming herself. Her fear. Of course, she will surround herself with supportive attendants, educate herself, and prepare herself physically for the upcoming task of labor, but more importantly, she will look inwardly and begin to fight her own demons--those demons that tell her she isn't strong enough, isn't brave enough.

During my first pregnancy, I embarked on this journey to a better birth, and its a journey I'm still on today. Yes, two home births later, I am still on the journey of having no fear. It's a spiritual journey at heart and I embrace it. I've chosen to embrace my body, my thoughts, my instinct, my passions...and most importantly, God.

I am offended when others boast of their births--natural or not--as if they embarked on this journey of having no fear, when they obviously didn't. It somehow discredits my own journey, making it less meaningful. I'm not saying that a woman shouldn't be proud of herself, her labor and her baby. But to equate her experience with mine when they are worlds apart (as far as passion, dedication and concept), is disheartening. It's like comparing a 2-mile jog with a marathon. The latter requires work, training, dedication, endurance, struggle, and pain. At the end of the day they are both similar, but then again, most joggers don't run marathons.

So mammas, it's not a competition; let's not boast--especially about things that have been exaggerated, under-represented or are flatout untrue.

If we must boast, boast in our Savior, who gives us our strength, power and wisdom to begin with.

Sobbing

2011-11-14T09:03:00.003-05:00

**UPDATED WITH VIDEOS**

The world is full of it, and I am at a loss.

Grief, sadness, pain. Death.

My previous post mentioned a little girl named Anaya, who was born with Infantile Krabbe Leukodystrophy, a terminal brain disease. Ironically, it appears that the day I discovered Anaya (yesterday) was the day she passed away.

And now I am left to go back through all the pictures and posts that her mom so dutifully, proudly and lovingly posted during Anaya's short two years here on earth. She's a remarkably beautiful girl. And I am sobbing. My heart is sobbing and breaking as I, knowng the outcome, revisit all the posts of hope and inspiration her mother posted these last few months.

It makes me question the "hard" things: the meaning of life...the meaning of relationships (especially those so sacred of parents and their children)...the purpose of love...the purpose of pain, grief....death.

Although I know God is good and in control, I wonder. Is their something we are missing? Or if not, are we learning what He intends for us to learn throughout all these hard times?

And I wonder, "When is it going to be my turn?" Surely it's inevitable. I've known so many people who have been hurt and/or lost their children or other loved ones. I have grieved along with these people, cried many tears.

Yet I haven't experienced a loss as profound as losing a child. While I hope I never do, I can't help but notice that it's all around me and seems to touch closer to home each time. I wonder. Am I just a sensitive person, an empathetic counselor, or is God preparing me for something?

Or is He just preparing me to live.

I don't know. But it hurts the same. I couldn't imagine watching my child suffer for two years, with little joy and no childhood, only to have them die in my arms form suffocation.

But, whatever His plan entails for me, whether it be grief or supporting those in grief, I pray he gives me the grace, courage, and gentle capacity to honor Him just as Anaya's mother has done.

God bless you, little Anaya. You were beautiful and loved. I'm only sorry I didn't know you in person and that I didn't know you sooner. Your mother is an inspiration. Give kisses to Jesus for her. May you truly rest in the perfect peace of God.

Breat Milk Sharing

2011-11-14T08:14:00.000-05:00

See I'm not the only one!

A second look at milk sharing

August 3, 2011 By Lailani Mendoza

Anaya Cassin is turning two in a few months. For someone with Infantile Krabbe Leukodystrophy this is huge. The average life expectancy of a baby with Krabbe is 13 months.

“She wasn’t supposed to live until two,” said Camara Cassin, Anaya’s mom, who lives in Nelson, B.C. “They’ve told us that she would probably die in her first year.”

Anaya relies on donated breast milk for survival. She can’t feed on the breast—due to loss of muscle coordination, she chokes on the milk. And because Anaya wasn’t feeding, Cassin started losing her milk supply.

Formula wasn’t an option. “She would just get horrendously sick,” Cassin explained. “Some friends of mine offered their breast milk and I kept pumping as much as I could. We got her back on a breast milk only diet, and it made a world of difference,” said Cassin. Anaya started gaining weight and has been on a breast milk diet ever since.

Looking for donated milk was difficult. There’s only one milk bank in Canada, the B.C. Women’s Milk Bank in Vancouver, and infants in the neonatal intensive care unit get priority over the limited milk supply. And while the milk is free to in-patients at the B.C. Women’s and Children’s hospitals, it’s an expensive option to other recipients at $5 per 120 ml plus the cost of shipping. The charge is not for the milk itself but for the cost of screening donors and processing.

As a last resort, Cassin went online, using Facebook and her website, to find healthy donors. That’s when people started to respond.

“We’ve had milk from as far as Nova Scotia,” said Cassin. Purolator is sponsoring milk shipment for Anaya from Canadian donors.

Cassin’s story may be extreme, but she’s not alone in needing donated human milk.

Emma Kwasnica, a Montreal breastfeeding activist, cites some common reasons. Some mothers are physically unable to breastfeed or have chronic low milk supply. Other times, the mother is hospitalized and can’t feed her baby. There are also adoptive families who choose to use human milk instead of formula because it’s healthier.

“A friend of mine was working in Indonesia and adopted a baby boy. He’d asked me ‘Do you think I could feed this baby breast milk instead of infant baby formula?’” said Kwasnica. She posted it on her Facebook status, and sure enough, a friend responded.

“There’s been eight lactating mothers who had been feeding this baby and he had no formula. He’ll be a year old in August.”

She thought, if this was something that could help one baby, it could help many others. Human Milk 4 Human Babies (HM4HB) was then born, an online network where people can donate and receive free milk. There are now 130 HM4HB communities on Facebook representing 52 countries.

Health Canada issued a health advisory last year alerting people of the dangers of sharing donated milk beyond a milk bank setting, where samples are repeatedly tested for safety. Issues include the possibility of transmitting diseases, like HIV, and food poisoning through contaminated milk.

Kwasnica said that with the spread of breast milk black market Health Canada should have created milk sharing guidelines instead. “(Mothers are) going to do this anyway, so why not give them the information to be able to do it safely?”

Before accepting donor milk, it’s not unusual for recipients to ask about their donor’s health, have blood tests done and to meet in person if possible. Many also do home pasteurization as an additional safety precaution.

“Families are absolutely weighing the risk,” said Kwasnica. “There’s no milk bank to turn to.”

Alberta, Ontario and Quebec are looking into establishing donor milk banks, said Frances Jones, coordinator of the B.C. Women’s Milk Bank.

“In the last fiscal year, (the Milk Bank) had 2,004 recipients, distributed about 55,000 ounces and had about 120 donors. We receive more requests than we can currently fill as we hear from families across Canada,” she said. “In the future, I hope there’ll be regional banks across Canada so any child in medical need could have access to donor milk.”

As for Anaya, she still has a deep freeze full of milk to last her a while. For now, it’s one less thing to worry about.

For more information on Anaya, visit www.healinganaya.blogspot.com. To donate to the Milk Bank, call 604-875-2282. To learn more about HM4HB, visit www.hm4hb.net.

Ecstatic Birth: The hormonal blueprint of labor

2011-11-11T15:07:00.000-05:00

Here's a fantastic, informative, and moving article. If you're intereed in labor and birth, please take the time to read...(link provided below)

by: Sarah Buckley

Giving birth in ecstasy: this is our birthright and our body's intent. Mother Nature, in her wisdom, prescribes birthing hormones that take us outside (ec) our usual state (stasis) so that we can be transformed on every level as we enter motherhood. This exquisite hormonal orchestration unfolds optimally when birth is undisturbed, enhancing safety for both mother and baby. Science is also increasingly discovering what we realize as mothers- that our way of birth affects us life-long, mother and child, and that an ecstatic birth, a birth that takes us beyond our Self, is the gift of a lifetime.

Four major hormonal systems are active during labor and birth. These involve oxytocin, the hormone of love; endorphins, hormones of pleasure and transcendence; epinephrine and norepinephrine, hormones of excitement; and prolactin, the mothering hormone. These systems are common to all mammals and originate in our mammalian or middle brain, also known as the limbic system. For birth to proceed optimally, this part of the brain must take precedence over the neocortex, or rational brain. This shift can be helped by an atmosphere of quiet and privacy, with, for example, dim lighting and little conversation, and no expectation of rationality from the laboring woman. Under such conditions a woman intuitively will choose the movements, sounds, breathing, and positions that will birth her baby most easily. This is her genetic and hormonal blueprint.

All of these systems are adversely affected by current birth practices. Hospital environments and routines are not conducive to the shift in consciousness that giving birth naturally requires. A woman's hormonal physiology is further disturbed by practices such as induction, the use of painkillers and epidurals, caesarean surgery, and separation of mother and baby after birth.

Hormones in Birth

Oxytocin
Perhaps the best-known birth hormone is oxytocin, the hormone of love, which is secreted during sexual activity, male and female orgasm, birth, and breastfeeding. Oxytocin engenders feelings of love and altruism; as Michel Odent says, "Whatever the facet of Love we consider, oxytocin is involved."1

Oxytocin is made in the hypothalamus, the "master gland" deep in our brains, and stored in the posterior pituitary, from where it is released in pulses. It is a crucial hormone in reproduction and mediates what have been called the ejection reflexes: the sperm ejection reflex with male orgasm (and the corresponding sperm introjection reflex with female orgasm); the fetal ejection reflex at birth (a phrase coined by Odent for the powerful contractions at the end of an undisturbed labor, which birth the baby quickly and easily);2 and, postpartum, the placental ejection reflex and the milk ejection, or let-down reflex, in breastfeeding.

As well as reaching peak levels in each of these situations, oxytocin is secreted in large amounts in pregnancy, when it acts to enhance nutrient absorption, reduce stress, and conserve energy by making us more sleepy.3 Oxytocin also causes the rhythmic uterine contractions of labor, and levels peak at birth through stimulation of stretch receptors in a woman's lower vagina as the baby descends.4 The high levels continue after birth, culminating with the birth of the placenta, and then gradually subside.5

The baby also produces oxytocin during labor, perhaps even initiating labor;6 so, in the minutes after birth, both mother and baby are bathed in an ecstatic cocktail of hormones. At this time ongoing oxytocin production is enhanced by skin-to-skin and eye-to-eye contact and by the baby's first suckling. Good levels of oxytocin also protect against postpartum hemorrhage by ensuring good uterine contractions.7 In breastfeeding, oxytocin mediates the let-down reflex and is released in pulses as the baby suckles. During the months and years of lactation, oxytocin continues to keep the mother relaxed and well nourished. One researcher calls it "a very efficient antistress situation which prevents a lot of disease later on." In her study, mothers who breastfed for more than seven weeks were calmer than mothers who did not.8 Outside its role in reproduction, oxytocin is secreted in other situations of love and altruism, for example, sharing a meal.9 Researchers have implicated malfunctions of the oxytocin system in conditions such as schizophrenia,10 autism,11 cardiovascular disease,12 and drug dependency,13 and have suggested that oxytocin may mediate the antidepressant effect of drugs such as Prozac.14

Beta-endorphin
As a naturally occurring opiate, beta-endorphin has properties similar to meperidine (pethidine, Demerol), morphine, and heroin, and has been shown to work on the same receptors of the brain. Like oxytocin, beta-endorphin is secreted from the pituitary gland, and high levels are present during sex, pregnancy, birth, and breastfeeding. Beta-endorphin is also a stress hormone, released under conditions of duress and pain, when it acts as an analgesic and, like other stress hormones, suppresses the immune system. This effect may be important in preventing a pregnant mother's immune system from acting against her baby, whose genetic material is foreign to hers.

Click here for the rest of the article

Part two.

2011-11-11T09:08:00.000-05:00

Where were we? Oh! Yes...I had just gotten up the courage to look at the pregnancy test....

So, I finally looked down and there it was. One line. Only one line. Not pregnant.

I let out the hugest sigh of relief. The weight of the world was resting on someone else. I was almost giddy.

Then it hit me. Only one line. Only one.

There were supposed to be two...one in the "you're not pregnant" circle and one in the "the test worked" square. But there was only one horizontal line in the fist circle.

The test had not worked correctly. I guess in my nervousness I hadn't gotten enough pee on the stick.

I balked. "Friend! It didn't work! I still don't know! And stupid me bought the cheap pack with only one test in it."

So for the next twenty minutes as I continued my drive to Winston Salem, we discussed the possibilities of what might have happened to the test. Ironically, the same thing had happened to me the first time I took a pregnancy test with Judah. It had come out inconclusive due to a lack of pee.

Not encouraging.

I looked at it about every 10 seconds to see if another line (or lines) had appeared, but one never did. I held it in the light at all sorts of angles. Nothing. Meanwhile, she was googling images of "inconclusive pregnancy tests."

I am chuckling now remembering it. Can you imagine this scene? Ha.

When I arrived in Winston Salem, a second line still had not appeared in the little square. I went the whole day not knowing. Every time I went out to my car to pump throughout the day, I looked. Nothing.

So once I left the conference (a bit early), I headed over to her house, stopping at the CVS on the way. This time, I made no mistake: I bought the TWO-pack, expensive, no-fail, digital tests that blatantly tell you "pregnant" or "not pregnant".

I might make the same mistake twice, but only a fool makes the same mistake thrice. Right? Ha! Take that, stupid pregnancy tests!

So, when I arrived, she ushered me into the bathroom. However, she must not have trusted my peeing-on-the-stick abilities, so she handed me a cup. Then, as if she were my doctor, she confiscated the cup of pee from me.

She dipped the stick down in the pee and replaced the cap. Then we waited.

And waited.

And waited.

And waited a bit more.....was something wrong? Although we knew it could take up to two minutes, we sat there for what felt like forever just staring down at this purple and white contraption, both holding our breaths in anticipation.

When we'd almost decided the test was a dud, it beeped and she jumped to pick it up...

"NOT PREGNANT!" she squealed! And with a release of a huge build-up of adrenalin, all we could both do was grab our stomachs and laugh. I'm sure we were a sight to behold.

The "Not Pregnant" pregnancy test was displayed proudly on her counter for all to see for several hours until I left to go home.

So, there it is folks. As far as I know, I'm not pregnant. (Though, I continue to have the mysterious occasional heartburn.) However, I've learned some things:

1. Even though your cycle may not readily return while breastfeeding, spermicide is still a must. Don't just wing it. That's how little Judahs get here (although we love Judah very much and don't regret for a minute that he snuck into our world).

2. When your best friend desires something greatly, like you both having all your children together for example, it can alter the course of the universe...so watch out. Stay a good distance from her and don't let her shenanigans make you end up with a bun in the oven.

3. Always buy TWO pregnancy tests.

4. Drink lots of water, and hold the stick still.

Happy Veteran's Day to all! I hope you got a chuckle out of this, at my expense... :-)

You've GOT to be kidding me...not again?!? Part One.

2011-11-09T14:35:00.001-05:00

Yes, it's true. I somehow ended up in a Wal-Mart peeing on a stick. A pregnancy test, that is....

Here's the story.

Last Thursday through Saturday, I was supposed to be away at a Licensed Professional Counselor Association of NC conference in Winston-Salem.

However, when I woke up on Thursday, I was so nauseous, I couldn't stand up. This conference had already been paid for, so I was determined to go. Though, after several spurts of dry-heaving in the toilet, I decided it would be best for me to stay home.

I lay back down on the couch to rest after Ryan took the kids off to daycare and didn't open my eyes again until 1:30. By that time, the nausea had vanished, but I was so tired I couldn't move from the couch.

The following morning I woke up, fine as a jay bird. I got ready and was out the door at the inhumane hour of 6:45am. I attended the conference, leaving occasionally to pump in the car, but didn't think anything else of my morning the day before.

Then Saturday morning came.

I woke up with an unusual feeling...then suddenly my memories of Thursday morning came rushing back to me. Before I even rolled out of bed (tucked in, of course, between Seraph on one side between myself and Ryan, and Judah on the other), I turned over to Ryan and said, "Babe, please pray for us."

"What do you mean? About what?"

"Well, just pray that God's will be done, and that whatever it is, we accept it with joy."

He peered at me through the dim light, shocked. He knew what I was thinking. And after the next three words from my lips, his worst nightmare was confirmed.

"I have heartburn."

Let me say this: I NEVER have heartburn.

Unless....

I continued to get up and get ready, talking myself down in my counselor-ish way. "Jennifer, it will be ok. Even if you are...there's nothing you can do about it now. Better enjoy it. Eve has 12 kids. She's fine. She did it. She does it every day. Grandma had three kids close together. She made it. People have twins and even triplets all the time. They all get by somehow."

"This is a blessing."

By this point, I was already contemplating where we could move Judah--how we could rearrange the living situation to make room for another baby...possibly a girl!!

As I got in my car, my mind was reeling. It was only about 6:30ish, but I had to call her. If I was pregnant, it was HER fault. Her's. With all her voodoo. Ever since she found out she was pregnant, she's been on me...and we all know what happens when she wants you pregnant. Things happen. You all know what happened last time!

Even at 6:30am, she answered. "Friend! What are you doing? What's wrong?" She knew it was unlike me to call this early.

"I'm on my way to Wal-Mart. I've got to get a pregnancy test. I think you’ve done it to me again." I told her about my morning and reminded her of my episode on Thursday.

While I was physically shaking, she, of course, was squealing in excitement.

She talked to me all the way to the Wal-Mart and then while I mindlessly walked the isles looking for the pregnancy tests. I was so shaken and disoriented, that I couldn't locate them. When I finally found them, it took me about 10 minutes to pick out the one I wanted.

"I'm taking the phone in the stall with me. I have to do this right now. I can't go all day and not know."

I went into the bathroom, which at 7am, was quite busy. I went into the stall and sat down, about to faint. I was breathing heavily, and I’m sure everyone could hear me. "I can't look at it here. These people will think I'm crazy...I don't know what my reaction is going to be.”

She sat and listened to me pee on the stick. "Quick! Wrap it in toilet paper but don't look at it!"

So I did. I didn't look. I quickly bundled the test in a heap of toilet paper and shoved it down in my pocket book. I washed my hands....visibly shaking.

I stammered out to my car, where I sat (now 7:30am), shaking and breathing heavily, rocking back and forth. "I can't do this. I'm not ready. We're not ready. We weren't ready for Judah. We sure aren't ready for another. Ryan will kill me."

Slowly, we talked me down. I decided to look at the test. I dug it out of my pocket book and slowly unwrapped it. Before looking at it...I breathed several deep breaths. "Friend, now I know what anxiety feels like. I've never felt this out-of-control in my life. Please...let's pray."

And so she prayed before I looked. "Lord, whatever is on this test, please help Jennifer accept it and be happy. We know Your will is best for us. Please conform us to yourself. Amen."
Then, I looked.

Judah at 6 months!

2011-11-03T14:36:00.000-04:00

On October 24th, 2011, my Judah reached his first (and only) half birthday!

He's still a small guy. He can still fit (barely) into size one diapers and fits comfortably into most size 3-month clothes. When I weighed him at 6 months, he weighed about 13lb, 10oz, which isn't quite double his birth weight (6lb, 14oz) and was about 25.5 inches long.

He's a roller! Front to back and over again! He loves tummy time, and can even push himself up onto his hands in an "upward dog" yoga pose.

He shrieks rather than laughing…when you run your fingers up and down his back, he can barely contain himself. But he has yet to let out a good belly laugh.

He isn't quite sitting up completely by himself yet. He prefers standing (with support of course).

We are still getting plenty of breast milk thanks to a few beautiful ladies, so we have avoided supplementing with formula! Yay! He's also a huge baby food eater, and Auntie Criddle even has given him some table food from the Pioneer Buffet.

His newest thing? BabyLegs. They are a stylish way of replacing pants on the Littlest of Littles. He can even share them with his big brother who can wear them on his arms and legs too!
Here he is with Rocco, who introduced us to the awesome wonder that is Babylegs!

And here are some of the "unchosen" 6 month shots…

And last but not least, here are some shots of Judah and big brother with their first ever "Puh-kin"!

Seraph trying to blow out the candle.

Taking off his "hat".

I am not dead.

2011-11-03T11:29:00.001-04:00

Hi all, I know it's unlike me not to post for several weeks in a row, and for that, I apologize. I am EXCRUTIATINGLY busy at work lately, and exausted once I get home.

However, I have a few VERY interesting posts to put up here as soon as I get a chance (including Judah's 6 month post, which should have been posted over a week ago.)

Please don't give up on my just yet. I'll be posting within the next few days! Maybe even later today!

the next time I'm in labor...I just might...

2011-10-17T08:36:00.000-04:00

do this!! Awesome! Thanks for sharing, brave momma!

CTV Ottawa: Barrhaven mom gives birth

Hours of labor and more than a week past due, finally the baby thousands of viewers from all over the world had been waiting for was born. The newborn baby boy made his debut at 3:18 Sunday morning. Katie Griffin reports.

Nancy Salgueiro and her husband Mike Carreira hold their newborn baby boy in Ottawa on Sunday, Oct. 16, 2011. (Facebook)

The plan was for an Ottawa woman to share the birth of her baby in a live-streamed video on her website for the world to see. Clearly, someone forgot to inform the baby about primetime viewing.

For nine days beyond her due date of Oct. 7, Nancy Salgueiro kept her many Facebook fans up to date with encouraging posts about the pending birth.

Then on Saturday evening, the mother of two (almost three) went into labour at home while her online observers sat transfixed in front of their computer screens. But as the clock ticked past midnight, many of the would-be witnesses to this unique event fell asleep -- understandably, since many of them were almost as pregnant as Salgueiro.

Finally, at 3:18 a.m. Sunday, the baby boy appeared to those watching online and took his first breath. He weighed 6 lb. 10 oz.

When she announced her plan to give birth live online more than two weeks ago, the 32-year-old chiropractor and trained childbirth educator from Barrhaven told CTV Ottawa: "I really feel it's important for young women to see what normal, natural birth, undisturbed by anything, can be like."

Salgueiro and her husband Mike Carreira, the parents of a five-year-old girl and a two-year-old boy, are advocates of natural childbirth. Their shared goal, they said, is to offer an honest account of the joy, as well as the pain that can come with giving birth in a natural way.

"It's a little different when it's live. You can check in and see how things are progressing," she said.

On her website, yourbirthcoach.com, Salgueiro says childbirth has become an ultra-private, almost secretive experience in North American culture that many women fear because they lack first-person experience.

"I do believe birth has been stolen from women," Salgueiro says in a video on her website.

"It is such a wonderful, amazing experience and the power that we have in our bodies and in our ability to birth babies and become mothers is incredible, but it's been taken away because we've given that power to someone else and we need to take it back."

By Sunday afternoon, her thousands of Facebook and Twitter followers were anxiously waiting for two things: a video of the birth they had slept through and the name of the baby boy.

"Baby boy born at 3:18am Oct 16. We need to confirm how we are spelling his name before I post it," Salgueiro tweeted. "Will let you..."

The message ended bluntly, but then she probably had other things on her mind.

I Am The Face

2011-10-11T11:52:00.002-04:00

October is miscarriage, infant loss, and stillbirth awareness month. If you or someone you now has experienced such a profound loss, please consider contributing or, at least, standing in the place of scilence. The money goes to support the families who've experienced the earth-shattering grief associated with losing a child.

I'm doing it for those babies and parents who've affected my life greatly: Zion, Ayden, Albert, my little cousin Ashlyn, Baby Zachary Wiggs and Baby#1 Hawkins and Baby #2 Hawkins.

Please click the link for more information.

Click Here

Myths and Facts (from the website):

One out of every four women will experience the loss of a baby at some point in their lives. That’s right–25%! Pregnancy/infant loss is an issue that while very common, is rarely talked about. Because it’s become such a “hush-hush” and taboo topic, those who experience it are often left to grieve in silence, alone.

It’s time for things to change.

It’s time to open up the conversation, to get the dialogue started. It’s time for survivors (yes, we are all survivors!) to come together, raise our voices, and reach out to the others who are out there, thinking they are alone.

The first step in breaking the silence is often shattering stereotypes. Below are some myths and facts about pregnancy/infant loss:

Myth: Losing a baby is very uncommon; it won’t happen to me or someone I know.
Truth: ■25-50% of all pregnancies end in miscarriage (pregnancy.org).
■Stillbirths (the death of a baby after 20 weeks gestation) occur in one in every 160 pregnancies–about 60 stillborn babies every single day (March of Dimes).
■Each year, in the US alone, about 20,000 babies die in their first month of life, many after being born prematurely (March of Dimes).
■SIDS is the leading cause of death among infants ages 1 month to 1 year.

Myth: Pregnancy/infant loss is something that happens to older moms, overweight moms, or moms with health issues.
Truth: “Baby loss” does not discriminate. Often, it’s young, perfectly healthy women who experience the loss of a baby. Click here to read real-life stories of loss, and you’ll see the faces of ALL kinds of women–young, old, black, white, thin, obese–pregnancy/infant loss can strike anyone.

Myth: Miscarriages and Stillbirths are usually caused by a lack of prenatal care or something else the mother did during her pregnancy.
Truth: ■Almost 100% of miscarriages could not have been prevented, with the majority being caused by chromosomal abnormalities.
■25% of Stillbirths are caused by placental problems; 15% are caused by an infection; 2-4% are caused by umbilical cord problems, and 50% have no known cause of death whatsoever. While there are risk factors to be aware of (smoking, for instance), the overwhelming majority of stillbirths are completely out of the mother’s control.

Myth: A woman who has just lost a baby wants to forget it ever happened and move on with her life.
Truth: While this may be true for some, many are dying to talk about the child they lost, especially if it was a late-term pregnancy loss or infant loss. The chance to talk freely about their baby(ies), without feeling like they are making everyone uncomfortable, is something many, many women who have lost a baby wish for.

A water birth you HAVE GOT to see!

2011-10-10T10:57:00.001-04:00

WARNING! There is a naked lady in this video. She is birthing a baby. You see her female parts. If you're not ok with that (and boy that would be a shame, cause you're missing out!), don't watch. However, if you want to see an INCREDIBLE water birth, where the baby remains in the caul AND underwater for many, many seconds just swimming around before it's brought up, then click PLAY.

Can we say TEARS! (And cheers to this momma!)

Turn your placenta into a pill! Then, EAT it!

2011-10-10T10:50:00.000-04:00

I've heard of this before...what are your thoughts? Gross or something to consider? As a homebirther, I have total access to my placenta after birth. In fact, Seraph's remained in the freezer for several months before we disgarded it (forgot it was in there!). I'm not sure if you have that option in some hospitals...

I can see how this would totally weird some people out. That's just another neuance of our American culture. But some women embrace or practice placenta consumption, and I for one, am interested in learning all I can about the topic...not that I'll ever be brave enough to try it!

CHARLOTTE, N.C. - Lucas is Lisa Johnson's fourth baby. After her third, she battled postpartum depression. Hoping to avoid that this time around, the Fort Mill, SC mom consumed her placenta. She says, "I definitely did not deal with any postpartum blues with him."

There are different ways women can consume their placentas but most commonly, they are encapsulated. First the placenta is steamed, then dehydrated, then ground up into a powder, then put into a pill. "It's just full of hormones, vitamins, iron, all kinds of good stuff that helps them feel really good postpartum," says Christina Gabbard aka "Carolina Placenta Lady." She is a certified placenta encapsulation specialist.

When she first started her business two years ago, it was slow going. "Now I'm easily seeing four or five clients a week," says Gabbard.

She says Charlotte area hospitals will send a new mom home with her placenta if she wishes. The roughly three pound membrane is stored in the family fridge for two or three days before Gabbard comes over to prepare it. Gabbard says, "I haven't had one client say that she hasn't benefited from it or felt better after."

Besides helping to stabilize hormone levels, placenta consumption is said to provide new moms with more energy. Some women do choose to consume it raw, most often blending it into a smoothie. FOX Charlotte's Morgan Fogarty asked Gabbard,"What do they say it tastes like when they eat it raw?" She says, "A little bit of metallic taste, but if they add enough fruits and sweeteners, they can't really tell it's in there."

Johnson drew the line at eating her placenta raw. She stuck to the pill version. "You take prenatal vitamins, it's no different than that," she says.

Gabbard charges between $225-$300 to encapsulate. One placenta can be turned into about six months worth of pills. Johnson is saving some of hers for when she goes through menopause.

************************

If you want to see placenta encapsulation with photos, here are some links!

Raw Placenta Encapsulation

Spirited Doula

Pulling my hair out.

2011-10-05T11:05:00.000-04:00

This morning was not a fun morning for me.

I was 2 hours late to work. Ryan left me without a key to the Prius so I had no way of getting to work. I took the two hours to do some much needed self care….meaning, I took a shower.

But before the key incident, this had happened:

As I was getting Judah ready, I overheard the following conversation between Seraph and Ryan:

(coming up the stairs)
Seraph (referring to a pair of earrings and a Walmart bag full of old clothes): "What's that Daddy?"
Ryan: "I don't know, son. I guess your mom just left it there so we can trip going down the stairs."

And, instantly, I was livid. Thanks for throwing me under the bus, dear. And I won't lie, I threw a temper tantrum in front of my kids.

Now you might be wondering why such a simple statement from my husband was so enraging. Well, under normal circumstances such a comment would just roll off my back, but I've been particularly stressed lately, especially since I've been at work full time and the house work as pilled on even more than usual. Lately I've been coming home right at dinner time and had no time to do anything but nurse a hungry baby, help fix some sort of a dinner for myself and my family, get the kids cleaned (on a good day) and into bed, and then immediately fall asleep on the couch.

Get up the next morning and repeat.

And it's quite depressing that my house looks like it does. Now, it's not terrible. I can have it in presentable order to a visitor in an hour or so, but that doesn't negate the fact that my junky house junks up my mood when I get home everyday. I hate it with everything in me.

But what I hate most is that, for some reason, it's ALL my responsibility. Something that doesn't have a place in our house will usually sit in one spot for weeks until I either toss it, or stuff it in a drawer. No one else ever tosses or stuffs. I feel like it's all on me.

And whether I (or you) like it or not, there is a little feminist that lives on my shoulder. Most of the time I can ignore her. But this morning, after hearing from her every day for weeks, I couldn't shake her anymore. She got the best of me and I heard myself saying things like,

"When was the last time YOU (meaning Ryan) picked up the vacuum?"
"Have you even dusted since I've known you?"
"You've walked past that just as many times as I have an haven't picked it up either."
"That…and that…and that…(pointing to junk on the counter, floor, etc.)…will stay there until I find the time to pick it up, which could be weeks. But you'll NEVER pick it up. If it were up to you, it would stay there."
"It's not ALL my responsibility!"

And so forth.

As much as I'd like to be, I'm not super woman. I don't have it in me to work a full time job, spend quality time with my kids, grocery shop, have much needed relationships with family and friends, clean, cook, sweep the dead beetles off the porch that have been there since summer, clean the porch railings, wipe the spilled milk off the counter, take showers (usually only every other day…if I'm lucky), read that new novel everyone's raving about, finish painting the kitchen that has been unfinished since 2 years ago, exercise to get the baby weight off, make up the bed every morning, do laundry…washer….dryer….folding…basket…drawers….

No wonder laundry usually ends up stalled at one or more of those stages…

So, babe, I'm truly sorry for getting angry this morning. I shouldn't have said those things. But please understand (and this is for anyone who ever visits my house) that sometimes, things just have to be left on the stairs. When the kids are bigger and capable of doing more, I hope things change. But right now, they are what they are.

Please forgive me husband and blogging world. I'm human. I can't do it all. I shouldn't have to do it all.

If you want to get me a good Christmas present this year, I'd opt for a gift certificate to 1-800-THEMAIDS. Either that, or pick the junk up yourself. And I don't mean that to sound angry or mean. I'm past the anger. It just is what it is. I need help. I'm pulling my hair out here.

Any mommas out there feel me?

Shocking Statistics

2011-09-28T13:42:00.000-04:00

From the Coallition for Improving Maternity Services:

News Article: The UK has too many hospital births!

2011-09-28T08:39:00.000-04:00

Here's a link to the article, however full article is presented below.

UK "has too many hospital births"
By Branwen Jeffreys, Health correspondent, BBC News
Maternity services across the UK need a radical rethink, the Royal College of Obstetricians and Gynaecologists says.

It wants the number of hospital units cut to ensure 24-hour access to care from senior doctors and says more midwife-led units are needed for women with low-risk pregnancies.

The National Childbirth Trust welcomed the report but says the proposals do not go far enough.

NHS managers said maternity care desperately needed to be reorganised.

'Serious complications'

Too many babies are born in traditional hospital units, says the college, which also warns the current system is neither acceptable nor sustainable in its report on maternity care.

RCOG president Anthony Falconer told the BBC that most out-of-hours care was being provided by junior doctors.
The college estimates there are about 1,000 too few consultants to provide adequate round-the-clock cover for hospital units.

Dr Falconer said: "There is no doubt if you look at the worst scenario of serious complications, you need the right person, a senior person, there immediately."

Previous attempts to re-organise maternity care around a smaller number of hospital units have proved controversial, but Dr Falconer said if women could be convinced of the greater safety they would be prepared to travel to have their babies.

The need for change would be largely in cities or large towns, because in rural areas it might be more important to support smaller units.

The report estimates that across the UK there are 56 units with fewer than 2,500 deliveries of babies a year.

In order to take the pressure off busy hospitals, the college is also calling for an increase in the number of midwife-led units.

'Joined-up care'

Midwives have welcomed the report, saying it could improve the experience for about a third of women who have straightforward deliveries.

The proposals for maternity are part of a wider vision of delivering all women's gynaecology and obstetrics care in networks, similar to the model which has helped improve cancer treatments in England.

The National Childbirth Trust said the idea of having a network to provide joined-up care for women was one it could support but it would prefer care during pregnancy and maternity to be concentrated in one NHS organisation in each area.

The NHS confederation, which speaks for managers, described maternity care as a classic example of a service which desperately needed to be reorganised.

Chief executive Mike Farrar said politicians needed to be prepared to speak up for change.

"Where the case for change is clear, politicians should stand shoulder-to-shoulder with managers and clinicians to provide confidence to their constituents that quality and care will improve as a consequence of this change."

That has not always been the case, with two ministers in the last Labour government campaigning against the closure of units in Greater Manchester.

Hundreds of people turned out to a rally to oppose the closure of maternity services in Salford last autumn. After a review under the coalition, the NHS is pressing ahead with plans to reduce the number of units across the area from 12 to eight.
Although Scotland has reorganised some of its maternity services, there are likely to be pressures for change elsewhere in the UK.
In North Wales maternity care across three hospitals is expected to change after an initial review recently concluded improvement was needed.

Hey Jude! You're 5 Months Old Already!

2011-09-24T10:54:00.001-04:00

It feels unreal to type that! 5 months old….already.

How come when you're pregnant time drags and drags, but once they're here you can't slow it down for anything? It's totally unfair!

Here's my Judah at 5 months old. I thought I'd dress him similar to Rameses this time.

He was so into getting his picture taken this time…even after I goofed up and took the first batch without the memory card in the camera. OOPS. Daddy helped out to get him to smile for me, though, which is why he's looking above my head. Silly daddy.

As is my family tradition, he has many nicknames. Today he goes by either Stinker-bottom, Jude, Joooodah, Judah Budah, or Judah-Boo'd. These will change by next week probably.

Nowadays Judah:

-weighs a whopping 13 pounds, 2 ounces (or there about…he wouldn't be still on the scale last night). This puts him at the 5th percentile for weight…a SMALL guy. Of course, we already knew that. I haven't gotten around to measuring his length yet.

-has started eating cereal…and he eats it like a pro. He occasionally has fruit mixed in with his cereal as well. I will probably start giving him more food throughout the day in the next week.

-loves to laugh and smile. He also is spoiled rotten and usually insists on being held. Although it's tiring, I realize he'll outgrow this behavior soon enough and I'll miss it. So I'm soaking it in.

-We're still nursing up a storm…mostly in the evenings and during the night. I am sorta encouraging the night feedings, as it's the best way to keep up my supply. He's still getting supplemental milk from Crystal, and now from my other good friend, Jessie, as well. He's one lucky baby!

-He can roll over from back to stomach and then back onto his back. He's been doing this for about two weeks now.

-He's very attentive. He grabs at or takes most things that are offered to him or that hang within his reach. If he has nothing to play with, he's usually holding his feet.

-Within the last week he has started a new-fangled way of crawling. Yes. Crawling!! He walks his legs up so that he is balancing on his feet and head. Then he scoots around on his head until his legs give out. He usually gets a few inches before collapsing. Then he'll try again! It's the craziest sight to see. I'll try to get a video to share.

-He's started teething. Two bottom teeth have been slightly visible for several weeks now. He's a drooling machine, too. He loves to gnaw…as most babies do…on just about anything he can shove in his mouth. His favorite things are mommy and daddy's fingers.

-He still does not take a paci (for the most part) or enjoy his swing. However, the daycare has recently discovered a brand of paci that I've never seen before that he'll take better than any other kind. I've reappropriated the paci to the Brigman house.

For your enjoyment, here are some more photos from our shoot.

Big Brother was distracting!

Photo op! Seraph wasn't feeling it.

Daddy stepped in for a smile!

The men in my life.
L.O.V.E.

Did your baby get a Vitamin K shot at birth?

2011-09-19T14:51:00.000-04:00

Having been born at home, neither of my sons had a vitamin K shot, although the option was there. The only "risk factor" present was that both were circumcised, but they weren't circumcised until 2 and 3 weeks after birth, respectively, so that was no longer a factor. Had they had any of the risk factors or been circumcised shortly after birth, as they would have been in a hospital, we more than likely would have opted for the shot just as a precautionary measure.

Here's a link to a great article on some facts, and pros and cons of getting the Vitamin K shot. Another area in which to be informed!

Boy those utters are big: a breastfeeding update.

2011-09-19T10:38:00.000-04:00

Yesterday Ryan's mom called us to see if Seraph would be interested in coming over to see one of the baby calves. They have several that have been born in the past week and one in particular is not doing well. The baby is very weak and unable to feed from its momma, so they are having to feed it by bottle. It is so weak it cannot even stand up on its own for more than mere seconds at a time. And the longer it goes without nourishment, the less interested it is in eating. By a few days old...the age this calf is now...most calves are running around rambunctiously. Its a pitiful sight indeed.

There is also some question over whether or not this calf is the sibling of two other babies that were still born (it would be a pretty rare occurrence for an Angus heifer to have triplets). Although it's almost impossible to know because the births were not witnessed, there are some indications that the two dead calves belonged to this momma cow (she was close by them and licking them). However, she hasn't shown much interest in the weaker calf, other than staying close by and mooing at it occasionally.

I wonder if she's grieving.

When we arrived at the farm, Ryan and his stepfather attempted to feed the little cow with a bottle. They were only minimally successful. While they tried, I stood over by the momma cow, just talking to her. Her utter and her two front nipples were so swollen. It looked incredibly painful. I wondered if her swollen nipples were the reason this baby couldn't nurse. After all, it'd be terribly difficult to get something the size of a large potato in the baby's mouth!

She came over and smelt of me with her big, dirty nose. "I know how you feel momma."

That poor cow...I felt for her. I know what its like to be in pain and want to nurse your baby but can't. I know what its like when it just doesn't work out like it's supposed to. And my heart broke for this momma cow and her weak calf.
____________________________________________

Judah and I are still trudging along in our breastfeeding endeavors. There isn't much update other than that. We are still supplementing with Crystal's milk, too. Though, with the new baby on the way, she has had to stop pumping. Talk about breaking both of our hearts!

But would you know that God still provides! He's given me another friend (actually, I've had this friend for several years) who just so happens to have a 6 month old....AND an abundant milk supply. She needed room in her freezer and I needed the milk.

Ain't that just like God?

For some reason, He's just flat out determined that Judah will be a breast milk baby. And I'm thankful.

Judah's also starting to take a little (about 3 tablespoons) cereal each day, and he's already fantastic at devouring it. Just like his brother at this age, he's eating it like he's been doing it all his life. This breaks my heart a little because I really had envisioned waiting until he was a bit older to start him on cereal. However, with me at work full time (and only pumping 5-7 ounces during a work day), I needed something to help me preserve the frozen supply as long as possible. Plus, he was already showing the typical signs of being ready to try solids. It seems he's doing everything early.

We are still nursing several times at night...sort of reverse cycling, where Judah nurses more in the evening and at night rather than during the day when I'm away. However, we've gotten into the groove of sleep-eating, so it's not too bad on me. He is sleeping in the pack-n-play right beside me, but when he wakes up to nurse, I usually cosleep until the morning.

Despite the occasional restless night, I'm loving it, and I see no end in sight. With Seraph I was eager to wean the night feedings, but I have since seen the value of them and I wouldn't trade them for anything. If Judah starts sleeping longer during the night, which he occasionally does, then I still plan to get up and pump to keep up my night supply as best as I can.

So there's your update. For those breastfeeders out there who feel like that momma cow...my advice is to just keep on keeping on! It's worth it!

FAQ about Zion's stillbirth

2011-09-15T09:25:00.000-04:00

Jeremy has taken the time to write a post on the most frequently asked questions regarding Zion's birth. Please click the link to be routed to his post.

I, for one, am saddened that he felt he needed to write such a post. As I said to him, the fact that he is continually having to defend himself, his wife, and their choices really seems to take something sacred away from the experience of Crystal's pregnancy, labor, birth and Zion's life. I hate that for my dear friends. On the other side of the coin, however, they have been given a great responsibility, not only to inform and educate, but to LIVE in honor and faith to God. I believe they do that beautifully. And I still believe that Zion's life and death are avenues through which God is speaking to all sorts of people…and he's saying some pretty profound, earth-shattering, mind-bending things. The foremost of those is this: I AM THAT I AM.

I hope you GET that.

That looks like….LIFE!

2011-09-13T09:02:00.009-04:00

First of all…ya'll all need to get behind Crystal and tell her to WRITE! She has so much going on in that head of hers, it's unreal! Right after Zion died, she thought to start blogging, but decided her writing skills weren't up to par and hasn't written a single word. So, friends, as you can see, I have taken up the task for her. It's highly therapeutic for me to write, and I'm sure it would be for her as well. So, if you want to hear from Crystal, please comment to this post. She needs to see the support she has out there. Don't ya'll think her blog would be a wild success? I think so.

So, that aside, I've come to share a cute little picture. It's an important picture and represents many things. It's the mark of a new beginning…and also the mark of an end.

This picture is the commencement of something new. A journey yet to be known. A face yet to be seen.

A LIFE yet to be fully realized.

Why, hello, little Sams. You're already 11 weeks along! Sneaky, sneaky,

of you to stay hidden so long!

This picture also marks the end of something, which is another reason it's a very important picture to me. This picture attacks Satan…and fear…and doubt….and begins the long, hard journey of tearing them apart. It doesn't abolish them yet, but this picture is proof that the day is coming. The day is coming when my very best friend will hold life in her hands. She will hear it breathe. She will taste it on her lips in kisses and she will hear it in cries and coos.

She will hear her baby. Not the silence of an unfamiliar hospital room.

She will kiss lips that are warm with life, not cold with death.

She will see a squirmy, red infant and KNOW that God loves her.

She felt God so full and true on the day Zion died. She KNEW Him like never before. And I am excited to say that she will know Him even more fully when she holds her new child, another gift. It will be a different knowing than when she had her daughter, Ellie. It will be a different knowing than when she had her Zion.

And I am ecstatic beyond words.

(And I'm stinkin' jealous!)

Crystal, if you're reading this, I want you to know that I am crying. I just can't stand it. You are blessed, as is your family. And I am blessed to know you. I am so glad that God has seen fit to give you the desires of your heart. And while I know it only goes a short distance in helping with your pain, it proves that He is faithful and able to continue the work in you that He started long ago, albeit a journey laden with pain.

I believe that you ARE healthy. You WILL have this baby. He or she will be perfect, just like Zion is. You WILL have the birth that YOU want, because it's what's best for you and this new life inside you. And I hope to be there every step of the way. But I know I can only do so much.

You may be afraid for a season, but that fear will cease and His love and joy will overcome you. Those are His promises. Not mine. He alone will see you to complete fruition.

IT. IS. GUARANTEED.

Weeping may last through the night, but, my dearest best friend, JOY comes in the morning.

And, Crystal, it's COMING!

Dear Zion, I Still Miss You.

2011-09-06T11:20:00.004-04:00

Dear Zion,

It's been a while since the last time I wrote. Many things have changed since then, but some things are the same. One of those is this: I still miss you. I always will.

I am a little over four months old now, which means if you had stayed here on Earth with me, you'd be almost six months old! We'd be having a good time together, making sure our parents stayed exhausted. To tell the truth, doing all the work on my own is pretty tiring.

I still see your mommy a lot. And just like I promised, I have been giving her kisses. They are really slobbery these days because my teeth are starting to come in. If you were here, you'd just now be getting yours, too…but don't worry, you aren't missing anything--this teething thing hurts!

Not long after I wrote to you last time, your mommy got up the courage to look at your pictures. And I am so glad she did. Not only did she love them, she is showing them all around to everyone and is very proud of you! She liked them so much that she asked for them in color so she could see your beautiful red lips. She looks at your pictures every day. She loves to remember you. These are two that my mommy really loves…one of you with your mommy and her pretty freckles and one of you with your daddy.

Your daddy painted this one, too. It's so pretty.

Can't you tell they love you and miss you very much?

I am still getting some of your mommy's milk every day and I love it! Her bravery has inspired another one of my mommy's friends to donate her milk, too. I've tasted it, too, and it's good. I am drinking a lot more milk now that I'm growing fast, so every bit counts. My mommy is still feeding me, too, and I am so blessed to have so many mommies who care about me enough to share. I will always be thankful for this special gift you and your mommy have given me. It's truly priceless and something my mommy could never repay.

Your mommy and my mommy still talk on the phone just about every day. It makes my mommy happy to talk to your mommy--anything to make our mommies smile!

The other day your mommy called my mommy with some really fantastic news! I think your mommy was trying to save it until she could tell my mommy in person, but my mommy is really smart and she figured it out!

You and Ellie are going to have a little brother or sister! My mommy was so excited when she found out, that she started dancing around the kitchen like a fool! She looked funny!

I am excited to meet your brother or sister and to have someone to play with. My mommy is hoping for another boy, just like you. She loves boys! Your mommy thinks it might be a girl, though, because she is just a tad scared of having another boy. She says she already has her baby boy, and she doesn't want you to be replaced. She doesn't want this new baby to mean that you are not important to everyone anymore. She wants you to be remembered always, and she wants you to stay special. My mommy told her that you will always be special and can never be replaced. Just like you didn't replace Ellie when you were born, another baby will not replace you. You take up too much space in our hearts to ever be replaced or forgotten.

She is also afraid that she might not get to keep this baby like she was unable to keep you. That terrifies her and she thinks about it all the time. My mommy prays for her constantly and reminds her everyday that God is in charge of this new baby, just like he was in charge of you. She was so brave when she had you and she trusted God to keep you safe the whole time she was pregnant. She knew there was nothing outside of Him that could touch you, and she was right.

But now that you are gone and there is a new baby coming, she doubts that sometimes. My mommy does not want her to doubt but to be as full of faith and as fearless as she was with you! My mommy says all the time that that's what God wants from us--to trust him wholeheartedly in everything we do and not to fall prey to our own thoughts and fears.

My mommy knows that God will grant your mommy the courage and faith it will take to carry your brother or sister, despite the fact that you had to leave.

But in all of this, do you know what my mommy and I are most excited about?? We are most excited that in just a few months--about a year after you came--your mommy will smile again! She will witness and hold the hope she has lived with since you left. She will see you live on through your little brother or sister and she will praise God for providing for her. I can't wait for her to experience peace and true joy again.

That, baby Zion--my friend, is something my mommy and I can't wait to see!

But even when that time comes, I will love and miss you still. I always will.

Your friend,

Judah

I must insist!

2011-09-05T10:27:00.003-04:00

If I had not given birth to Seraph at home in my own bathtub, if I had not grabbed him up out of the water myself…if I had had to hand him over to someone, even for a short time…

I think I would have requested a maternity test! The kid looked (looks) NOTHING like me!

Seraph, only a few days old

Seraph now

When he was born, he had a head FULL of jet black hair, dark eyes and rich, olive-toned skin. Since I had referred to him as "Bean" during my pregnancy, I labeled him my Mexican Jumping Bean. He bore no resemblance to me--with my light hair, blue eyes and awfully pale skin.

And as much as I hate to admit it, I was bummed…just a tad. I mean, after going through pregnancy, labor and birth just to deliver a baby that no one could tell even belonged to me, was discouraging. Now, don't get me wrong. I think Seraph is a beautiful child and I wouldn't change him for anything. But, let's be honest--we all want to see ourselves in our kids. I guess my husband can cross that off his bucket list! There is no way he can deny that child!

So while I was pregnant with Judah, I held on to some hope that he might look at least a little like me. But when he was born, he had a pretty good layer of soft brown hair. Rats! I was hoping for something lighter….

Judah as a newborn

And all everyone continues to say is just how much he looks just like his big brother.

But now that he is aging, I can see a glimmer of hope! Most of his brown hair has fallen out and it's slowly being replaced with a much, much lighter strawberry blonde (just like mine did as an infant). And as much as my husband likes to disagree, I think he is looking a lot like I did as a baby.

So, even if it's just wishful thinking, I have to say (at least right now):

I must insist! He DOES look like me!

Me, 3 months

Judah 3 months

We even have the same Widow's Peak!

Me!

Judah

My mom and me

Judah

My cousin Sherry, my Grandma (who hasn't changed a BIT, except for smaller glasses, maybe) and me

Is there ANYONE out there who agrees? (Oh, common! The least you can do is humor me!

In an ideal world...

2011-08-26T11:31:00.001-04:00

This morning, as my little boy walked away from me, holding his hands behind his back on the way to breakfast with the other kids at daycare, I cried.

And as I walked out the doors of the daycare, tears falling, I said aloud, "Lord, forgive me." I want to be a better mother than this. I don't want to leave my kids. Especially now that every time I barely even get out of Seraph's sight I hear, "Mommy, don't yeave me!"

"Oh, baby boy. I'll never leave you. I will always come back." I cannot tell you how many times I've said this to him recently. It feels like it's all I ever say.

Words cannot describe what I've been going through lately with all the transitions going on in my life. Fear, guilt, shame…just to name a few.

Transitions, you ask? Well, yes. I've very recently accepted a counselor position at Elon University, a very "high", private college. Being offered this position, as with being a mother, is a very high honor. Positions at Elon don't come easily, and I'm blessed to have the opportunity to work there. It's been a bitter-sweet decision to leave my private practice, the job I've had since 2007--a job I loved dearly.

In the end, I chose normal business hours over all evening (late late late) hours, consistent pay, less paperwork, way better benefits, more financial security, and less personal sacrifice (as far as time goes) over being self-employeed, where these things aren't guaranteed.

But taking this new job has it's downsides. Even though I like getting home at a decent hour, having dinner with my family and being able to put my kids to bed--things I was rarely available to do while self-employeed--I now find myself having to get up early and take them to daycare…something I've always dreaded…something I swore I'd never do, and avoided until now.

Until now, I've always finagled a way to watch the kids when I was home, if only for a few hours, and then switch with Ryan or my mother-in-law while I was away in the afternoons and evenings. This was a very tedious and stressful way to schedule, but I could always say I worked "part-time" and stayed at home the rest of the time.

But there's always the other side of the coin. It was a very taxing schedule for both me and my husband, and left us with little to no down time or family time together. We had no breathing room.

My new job will change this...

But I feel such guilt over it all. Aren't I supposed to be able to be with my kids all the time? Am I not the one who's supposed to be changing their diapers and kissing their booboos? Aren't my husband and I supposed to be able to care and provide for them while having one or the other of us with them at all times? Aren't these things what good parents are supposed to do?

Am I a bad mother for my choices at this time in our family's life?

Sometimes I feel that way. A lot of the time, actually, I feel this way.

The truth is, I'm struggling right now. I am very torn. I would never have dreamed of putting Seraph in daycare at 4 months old. And here Judah is, at that age, and in daycare every single day.

But, truthfully, if I hadn't taken this job, we would have suffered in other areas. Financially (with Ryan still in seminary and unable to work full time or watch the kids), we'd be in a much different, more stressful place. Also, I'd just be trading out time with my kids (some day time hours then vs. all evening hours now), while forsaking time with my whole family and my husband. At my previous job, I never got to spend time with Ryan…and I hated that.

But am I just making excuses? Could I somehow sacrifice a little more and make it all work? On the other hand, should I even put this pressure on myself? It surely doesn't help…doesn't make things any easier. It's a shame that not only society and culture put these unmeetable demands on me, but that I'm doing it to myself.

Maybe in an ideal world, no mother would have to make these types of decisions. But I don't live in an ideal world. And this isn't an ideal situation.

The fact is, the circumstance is what it is and I have to make the best of it. I don't know how long it will last--if just a year or so, or until I retire. But I still love my kids. I will still kiss their booboos. I will read them books and sing songs with them. I will spend every moment I can with them and not take any of it for granted. I will be less ill with them, more patient.

God has put me here for such a time as this. I will use this time of my life to his Glory and Honor in doing the best that I can for my children--doing whatever is in the best interest of my family as a whole. Until now, I had different ideas of what that was, but God has shown me differently, as he usually does.

I just ask that he gives me the grace and courage I need to watch my sons walk away from me every day.

But, you know, I don't doubt that he will. He continues to bestow Himself on me daily. And I am grateful.

Judah's on a roll: 4 months old!

2011-08-25T15:19:00.001-04:00

My Judah was 4 months old yesterday! And boy is he growing!! He's reaching his milestones (seemingly) very early.

Here's what he can do:
*He can roll over already (he's been doing this since August 5th, at 3 1/4 months old!!)!! He's a PRO. It takes him absolutely no time to do this after he's laid on his back. He hasn't figured out how to roll back over onto his back yet though.

*He found his hands during the same week he first rolled over. At the same time, he was reaching for and grasping/taking objects! Now, he still isn't successful at every attempt, but boy does he love to try!

*He loves to grab his feet.

*When something is placed or hung in front of his face, he will bat at it. He entertained himself for about 30 minutes with a rattle just the other day. He's very cute to watch.

*He's a cooer and a talker, likes to blow bubbles, and will sometimes mimic your facial expressions.

What else about Judah?

* He still does not take a paci. I'm still amazed.

*We are still nursing. (I've gotten a new job recently, so the pumping has increased. More on this in a coming post.) And now we're using milk from TWO donors! He'll have all the antibodies he needs come winter!

*He loves being swaddled so much, but he outgrew his newborn swaddler and could Houdini himself out of it in no time, so we purchased a larger one.

*Unfortunately, he's a light sleeper and doesn't nap well. He only takes a few short naps a day. The plus side, however, is that he's sleeping soundly through the night (when he's had a good meal right before bed.)

*He can STILL fit into some of his newborn outfits, though I am gradually retiring these as they come through the wash. He fits comfortably in size 0-3, but 3 and 3-6 month sizes are too huge on him.

Can't believe my boy is growing up so quickly. I'm fighting "baby fever" already. :-) But something tells me I'll manage.

Check out this video, taken yesterday, of our boy rolling over! (Forgive Ryan's singing in the background. He tries. Really, he does.)

Live in High Country? Want to support Birth Freedom?

2011-08-19T10:58:00.000-04:00

Here's the scoop...

don't even think of it as a fundraiser...think of our event as a fun family festival where you can feel good about every dollar you put into it because the most wonderful people benefit from each of your hard earned dollars ~ YOU and YOUR FAMILY and YOUR MIDWIFE and YOUR ENTIRE COMMUNITY!

We are connecting our community more deeply with this event. Everyone benefits! We will have musicians... thoughtful, lyrical, beautifully inspiring mountain tunes by Lauren Hayworth, and if those boys from Galaxy Jam can gather the crew, we'll get to really shake it down! The bellydancers will come out for an inspiring, dazzling performance ~ and your little ones will be invited to join in for a lesson and performance of their own!

We are gathering our healers on this day to share their skills in the wellness tents: massage, accupuncture, chiropractic, cranio-sacral, reiki, and more!

We are promoting health through good food ~ local food vendors and businesses will be on hand or have given donations to fill our bellies and feed our food fantasies with goodness.

Your local midwives, doulas, and natural birth consultants will be available for conversation and inspiration.

Please sign up before the event so we will know how many families we will have opportunity to serve!

We have reserved the first pavilion at Valle Crucis Park on September 10 (the weather should be perfect!) starting at 3pm and going until dusk. The actual walk around the park will begin at 4, and we will probably spontaneously do it again a little later, too. The wellness tents will be available during the entire stretch, with sign up beginning at 3. If you're not familiar with the park, here's the link , and may I add that this is my family's favorite local park because we can stay all day and never get bored, even with kids ranging from 3-12! Playground, pond for fishing and birdwatching, river for skipping stones and swimming, playhouses under the pines, paved path for walking and bike riding, and a big grassy area for flying kites, tossing frisbees, kicking balls, or just running free. Grills and picnic tables are available near the pavilion, but are limited, so come early and be prepared to share space with your neighbors ~ here in the High Country, we potluck just about everywhere we go, so be prepared to give and to receive! :)

Have I convinced you yet? Remember, we vote with our dollars~every dollar is a vote for what we want to see more of~ so please come out and support your community and help us increase awareness and availability of midwifery care in the High Country!

Oh, and it's not too late to sponsor the event ~ promote your business and serve your community! Please contact Christie Fredenburg at highcountrywalk@gmail.com to get on board ~ we appreciate your support!

The High Country Walk is also featuring a Silent Auction with donations from many, many, many local businesses, including really generous gift certificates (valued at over $100) from Stellar Carpentry, Green Mother Goods, Whispering Waters Massage and Acupuncture, and Ma~Me Birth Services.

Incredible Gift cards and free class cards have been donated by About Health Chiropractic, Neighborhood Yoga, Mindful Massage, Black Cat Burrito, Ancient Moon Bellydance Studio, Walnut Hollow Farm (a local CSA contributor), Piper Ellis (massage therapist), computer repair and website production from Custom Information Consultants, LLC, and Natural Flow Childbirth Educators.
Many other really generous donors of goods include paintings from Ann Nemcosky and Susan Bolash, knit tops from Under the Sun Consignment, T-shirts from Anna Banana's, hair cuts from Nelson's Salon, bike tune-up from Magic Cycles, remedies from Vital Being Apothecary, jars of local honey from the Funky Meadors (yes, I said Mead), a gorgeous wooden cutting board from Stellar Carpentry, , and many others...You'll just have to come out to see what great local businesses have to offer!
Many thanks to our wondrous High Country Local Business Community!! You all rock!
Thanks Friends!

Two-thirds of what your OB thinks is "best practice" is actually OPINION-based!

2011-08-16T16:54:00.001-04:00

This new press release from the Big Push for Midwives is shocking! Did you know that two thirds of the clinical guidelines in OB-GYN practices are opinion-based rather than scientifically founded. Take a look:

"WASHINGTON, D.C. (August 15, 2011)—A study published this month in *Obstetrics & Gynecology,* the journal of the American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists, found that barely one-third of the organization’ s clinical guidelines for OB/GYN practice meet the Level A standard of “good and consistent scientific evidence.” The authors of the study found instead that the majority of ACOG recommendations for patient care rank at Levels B and C, based on research that relies on “limited or inconsistent evidence” and on “expert opinion,” both of which are known to be inadequate predictors of safety or efficacy.

“The fact that so few of the guidelines that govern routine OB/GYN care in this country are supported by solid scientific evidence—and worse, are far more likely to be based on anecdote and opinion—is a sobering reminder that our maternity care system is in urgent need of reform,” said Katherine Prown, PhD, Campaign Manager of The Big Push for Midwives. “As the authors of the study remind us, guidelines are only as good as the evidence that supports them.”

ACOG Practice Bulletin No. 22 on the management of fetal macrosomia—infants weighing roughly 8 ½ lbs or more at birth—illustrates the possible risks to mothers and babies of relying on unscientific clinical guidelines. The only Level A evidence-based recommendation on the delivery of large-sized babies the Bulletin makes is to caution providers that the methods for detection are imprecise and unreliable. Yet at the same time, the Bulletin makes a Level C opinion-based recommendation that, despite the lack of a reliable diagnosis, women with “suspected” large babies should be offered potentially unnecessary cesarean sections as a precaution, putting mothers at risk of surgical complications and babies at risk of being born too early.

“It’s no wonder that the cesarean rate is going through the roof and women are seeking alternatives to hospital-based OB/GYN care in unprecedented numbers,” said Susan M. Jenkins, Legal Counsel of The Big Push for Midwives. “ACOG’s very own recommendations give its members permission to follow opinion-based practice guidelines that have far more to do with avoiding litigation than with adhering to scientific, evidence-based principles about what’s best for mothers and babies.”

The Big Push for Midwives Campaign represents tens of thousands of grassroots advocates in the United States who support expanding access to Certified Professional Midwives and out-of-hospital maternity care. The mission of The Big Push for Midwives is to educate state and national policymakers and the general public about the reduced costs and improved outcomes associated with out-of-hospital maternity care and to advocate for expanding access to the services of Certified Professional Midwives, who are specially trained to provide it."

Media inquiries: Katherine Prown (414) 550-8025, katie@pushformidwives.org

Scientific Evidence Underlying the American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists' Practice Bulletins http://bit.ly/nfF5rB

In case you wondered...

2011-08-09T19:38:00.000-04:00

Remember my friend Catharine? The one a few posts back who wrote about her natural birth plan and the power of the self-fulfilling prophecy? Yeah, well, she had her lovely baby girl, Addison on July 27th.

Wondering if she was able to have that natural birth she'd so been wanting (and diligently preparing for)?

If so, take a look at her birth story!

Congratulations Catharine, John and Addison, on a job well done!

Stillbirth is Still Birth.

2011-08-07T16:58:00.003-04:00

March 26th was the "due date."

She'd called me everyday for two weeks prior to that. She was sure she was going to have him early. The contractions kept coming, but no baby.

We ended up waiting for 3 days after the due date for him to come.

The day before that day, the 28th, we talked for an hour in the morning. I was having a particularly bad day that day. On my way to work, I had slipped in the rain and fell in front of a bunch of students. I was covered in mud and I'd sprained my toe. It was swollen. I'm sure it was a funny sight to see me trying to get myself out of the mud with my then 37-week belly.

I look back and wish I hadn't ranted about a little mud.

I told her to call me if the baby decided to come. I was going to cancel my classes if need be. We both knew I'd be there. No matter what.

I didn't hear from her the rest of the day, which was unusual. On most nights, the last thing we'd do before going to bed was talk on the phone. Oh, how that tradition is even more important now.

I just figured she was tired, exhausted, drained. I'm sure she was, for little did I know....

The next morning, the 29th, I was in a particularly good mood. My midwife was coming over for my 37-week home visit, and my baby was "officially" full term. When she arrived, all seemed well. We chatted a bit. Small talk.

Then she asked me if I'd talked to her.

Of course I did. Just yesterday morning. For an hour!

But I hadn't talked to her today??

Nope. Why?

There was a look in my midwife's eyes. And what went through my head in a split second could take up pages upon pages. In a flash my mind went through all the possibilities...and finally stopped....

Don't tell me something's wrong with her baby.

But her look gave it away. She couldn't make eye contact with me. And though I understood, I didn't comprehend. It would not compute. She might as well have been speaking Greek.

It wasn't real. It wasn't happening. The words she was saying didn't mean what they meant. She was mistaken.

Surely, she was mistaken.

When I arrived at the hospital, I sat debating....do I bring my camera? I promised to take pictures....

My first ever doula experience...what items do I bring? Lord, help me.

I opened her door and there she was. Swollen, closed eyes. Glossy lips. Damp cheeks. Lovely freckles.

I didn't know she had freckles. Odd how, in that moment, they were all I could see.

**********************
I walk to her. She cracks her eyes and immediately closes them. A small sob and a hand on my belly.

I say the only thing in my head: hey beautiful.

She smiles, never opening her eyes. I am amazed at how shiney her lips are. She tells me she's still excited for my baby.

I hug her awkwardly and bury my face, my tears, in her hair. I tell her I'm still excited for her baby too.

Her family sits all around the delivery room. I don't know most of them. They look at her and weep, sometimes loudly. They weep and watch her sit there, hooked to monitors that detect no heartbeat, with eyes closed.

For several hours it goes like this. Nurses in, out. Family in, out. I sit. I listen. Helpless. Hopeless.

Eventually they start pitocin. I feel sorry for her. I grieve for her. This isn't the birth she wanted. Not by far.

She worships. She raises her hands. She prays.

Her contractions come strong and the nurse asks everyone to leave.

Do I stay? Am I still the doula?

She tells me to stay, so I stay. And I help her. She weeps and is scared. I am too, but I get behind her and hold her back and her shoulders. My belly is in the way...but I try to offer as much support as I can.

With every push I watch her scrunch her face. I see the glow of God's glory around her. She bends forward with each contraction, several seconds before it's even indicated on the monitor. I marvel at how she knows what to do. Her body is working, to bring life...life....

But she is laboring for a baby she will never hear cry.

I could never do that.

I see him crown. Dark....black hair. Amazing.

I watch as he comes. Slowly, millimeter by millimeter.

His head is out. He faces away from me, but the doctor rotates his shoulders and, with the next push he is out. He lies there, on his back. He's facing me now.

We have waited 40 weeks and three days to know. And now we know. A boy. She has a boy.

No one moves toward him. No one makes a sound. It seems like we are all waiting. For a breath. A movement. We are afraid. We can now see it. It's real. Death.

This moment lasts only a minute, but seemingly, an eternity.

She doesn't know she has a son. Nobody tells her. I lean in and whisper the news to her. She weeps. She knew he was a boy. She'd felt it all along.

I watch them swaddle him and put his hat on. They pass him around...She doesn't hold him yet. She cries. She feels like dying.

I feel like dying.

A nurse asks her what her son's name is. She weeps again. She cannot say it without sobbing.

Zion. Zion Jeremiah. She's almost inaudible.

I see she needs time, so I slip out quietly. The midwife and the doctor are talking outside the door. He says the baby is perfect. He can't find a cause...

I walk to my car in a daze. I hadn't even said goodbye. She hadn't even held her son.

*********************************************
I found out several days later that she wasn't given a birth certificate. No death certificate. No record of her baby.

Did he exist? Did he mean anything? Was he even counted?

They buried him as if he meant something. They mourn him as if he counts. But all they have are footprints, a handful of black and white photos and a lock of hair. It fits into a small box with a ribbon. A poem and a few trinkets to remind us that he lived.

That is all.

*****************************
Zion Jeremiah meant something. He means something to me. If you agree, please go to this site and sign the petition. Zion may never have a birth or death certificate, but babies who are born still in the future may have that right, if we choose to speak out.

Thank you. And may your prayers go out to families who are and will suffer from a loss as profound as a child's life.

Give Milk. Give Life. Give Hope.

2011-08-01T17:57:00.001-04:00

The International Breast Milk Project is the company Crystal is using to donate her breast milk. They are a small organization and in need of new breastmilk donors.

Here is an email from the company that has more information. Please consider donating, if you can. If not, the least you can do is spread the word.

"I have exciting news! We are in the final preparations for sending a shipment of 5,000 ounces of donor milk to Cape Town, South Africa next week! The milk will be used for babies in the NICU who do not have access to their mother's own milk. These are some of the most fragile infants that we serve and most take only an ounce of milk per day. Some have undergone surgery, others are HIV positive and many were born prematurely and weigh less than 1,500 grams (3.3 pounds). Their common denominator is that they all need donor breast milk to thrive, and with your help we are able to provide an additional 5,000 feedings with more to come in December for our World AIDS Day shipment. The milk banks staff and doctors in Cape Town have asked that I pass along their sincere gratitude.

Help Spread the Word

There are two more ways that you can help. We are recruiting new donors for our next shipment in December and the best way to do that is through the media. If you are willing to be interviewed, or profiled for your local newspaper, please let me know. We have a standard press release written, and can contact the paper for you. All you would need to do is provide the name of the newspaper(s) and provide a quote (we can help with this too). From there, we will send the press release to the editor and hopefully they will run a story on your donation, and what it has meant to us and the babies in Cape Town.

The second thing is that we are creating a "Meet our Moms" section on our website. It will be a place for people to read about why you chose to donate milk. I already have a number of moms who have shared their stories with me but definitely welcome more. We hope to have the link up this week.

Thank you so much for your time and generous donation! I'll be sending out an email and link to photos once the milk has safely landed in Cape Town! If you need anything or have any questions, feel free to email me at amanda@breastmilkproject.org or call me at 786.837.3082.

Amanda Nickerson
Executive Director, International Breast Milk Project
Give Milk. Give Life. Give Hope"

Again, please consider donating...and please pass along the information that milk is needed.
The babies will thank you!

--Jennifer

Judah the Pootah: 3 Months Old

2011-07-24T10:10:00.000-04:00

Yesterday was Judah's 3-month-old-aversary.

Here's a look at how our photo session went!

OOOOOPS!!

Here are some notable things about him currently:

-He's still fits into his newborn cloths with room to spare!! (Though he is starting to fill them out and I suspect he'll be in 0-3 size before too long.)
-He smiles all the time and coos, coos, coos.
-He's still pretty spastic, but his startle reflex and jerky newborn movements are seemingly getting less and less.
-When he gets fussy he kicks and kicks and usually every time he kicks he poots. It's the absolute cutest thing. Poot poot poot. (Hence the title of the post.) Seraph always proudly announces, "Dudah pooted!"
-His voice is still raspy and horse. Makes me wonder what his voice will sound like…I imagine something like Hayley's voice from this last season on American Idol.
-He still prefers the bouncy seat over the swing.
-He's a total mommy's man and will calm down for me in a heartbeat. He always gives daddy a hard time…
-He also gets quiet when Seraph talks to him, which is often. They are adorable together.
-He sucks on his hands (still doesn't take a paci!) and makes loud sucking noises while doing so.
-He's sleeping from 10:30ish til 5:30-6:30ish on most nights! I am contemplating on whether or not to start getting up around 3am to pump in order to keep up my supply.
-He likes to stretch out is legs, and sometimes when he does his leg spasms, sort of like Thumper from Bambi.
-He continues to love being swaddled and loves being held in an upright position facing outward, so he can supervise his surroundings.

In his short little life Judah has already been to three movies at the theatre (and he's never interrupted a single one). We just bring the boppy pillow, attach the baby, and wa-la--date night! Now, we actually aren't big movie goers, but just so happens that this summer has been a movie-going extravaganza for us for some reason.

That's about all for now…I'm not sure of his length and weight. I'll check tomorrow and update! Until Month 4…adieu.

Under Construction

2011-07-22T17:06:00.000-04:00

Just stopping in to say sorry for the current appearance of the blog. I'm working on a new look, and since I'm not so computer savvy, it's taking longer than expected!! Come check back later and maybe it won't be such a sight!

C-Section News--The good and the bad!

2011-07-21T17:07:00.002-04:00

Just a week-and-a-half ago my friend, Laura, delivered a healthy baby girl at Duke Hospital.

Yeah, so?

Emma was not only birthed vaginally, naturally, and easily...she was BREECH! Laura was a trooper and had her beautiful girl without any tearing. GO LAURA! I'll not share the whole story here, as it's not my story to tell. But the gist is that when she arrived at the hospital after spontaneously going into labor at home, she was basically fully dilated and told to choose between attempting the birth vaginally or having a C-section under general anesthesia (being "knocked out"), as there was no time to prep or to get an epidural.

The week before Emma was born I went to visit Laura and discussed her decision to have a planned c-section at the end of this month, which terrified and dismayed her. (Emma's "due date" was July 23rd). While we talked, Laura said that she would love the opportunity to birth at a birthing center naturally, but that her circumstances forbade it. Not only does Duke Hospital not "allow" vaginal breech births, she also has a personal health history that mandates she be considered high risk.

She knew of my strong dislike of unnecessary c-sections and was concerned that I judged her for her choice. At the time, she was unwilling to attempt a vaginal breech birth and, honestly, I don't blame her. Her health history is such that having a traumatic birth experience could have caused horrible repercussions. I told her that if I were in her shoes, I didn't know what I'd choose, but that a c-section wasn't--by any means--out of the question! She definitely faced a tough decision.

However, the fact that she felt judged broke my heart! I am thankful that we were able to mend our relationship and that I was able to explain to her that, while I AM against unnecessary cesarians, I could and would never deem her decision "bad" knowing what I know about her. I had to make it clear to her that there are women who DO require c-sections. However, the majority of c-sections are not medically necessary, but conducted out of fear either on behalf of the physician (litigation) or the mother or both.

With all that said, I have to commend Laura on her snap decision to participate in her baby's birth. I saw her again last Saturday and she seemed amazed at herself…her body…God…the circumstances that all lined up just right in order for her to avoid the c-section that she now sees would have been unnecessary. She said, "When I went into labor, I took my sweet time getting to the hospital. I dreaded the c-section-so I made no hurry of it. I'm so glad I did. What if I had arrived at the hospital just 30 minutes earlier!"

Well, she would have been a stastic…and worse…she would have never experienced the elation of having a safe, natural, vaginal, breech birth.

And she'd still be recovering from major abdominal surgery.

Unfortunately, her story isn't common. In fact, it's just been reported that the c-section rate in the U.S. has risen to 34%--which means that over one out of every three births in the U.S. takes place via c-section.

Isn't it a shame that only about one third of those women actually needed the c-section they received.

Anyway, I just wanted to share this news…both good and bad! The good news: Ladies, breech (in most circumstances) does not mandate a c-section! The bad: most women don't know this, and, like their doctors, fall into the trap of mistrust and fear.

Here's a link to the MSNBC article that discusses the new cesarean rate. The full text of the article is below.

By: Jennifer Welsh

"Rates of Cesarean section deliveries in the United States climbed to 34 percent in 2009, hitting an all time high, a new study says.

Florida, New Jersey and Texas had the highest rates, while Utah, Wisconsin and Colorado had the lowest of the 19 states included in the study.

"Obviously, a 34 percent C-section rate is far too high," said Jacqueline Wolf, a researcher at Ohio University who wasn't involved in the study. "Medical reasons alone cannot possibly explain why more than one in three American women need major abdominal surgery in order to safely give birth."

A C‐section (cesarean section) is necessary to remove the baby from the uterus when a vaginal delivery could risk the health of the mother or the baby, or when a prior C‐section makes vaginal delivery difficult or dangerous.

"In many cases of C‐section in recent years, the benefits may be questionable and important healthcareorganizations, including the Joint Commission and the Agency for Healthcare Research and Quality, have endorsed safely reducing C‐sections rates in certain types of pregnancies," wrote the study researchers.

The new study was performed by HealthGrades, a company whose website allows patients to search for and rate physicians.

Rising rates The researchers examined C-section rate from 2002 through 2009 in the 19 states with publicly available health data. The rate increased from 27 percent to 34 percent during that time. Separate studies by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention found the national rate to be 32 percent in 2007.

Of the 19 states studied, Florida, New Jersey and Texas had the highest percentages of C‐sections (38.6 percent, 38 percent and 35.9 percent, respectively). States with the lowest rates of C‐section deliveries were Utah, Wisconsin and Colorado (22.4 percent, 25.1 percent and 27.3 percent, respectively).

Risky surgery Groups such as the World Health Organization have suggested that the Caesarean rate should be 15 percent. The Joint Commission, a non-profit that accredits and certifies health care organizations, noted in their standards of care manual on C-sections that "there are no data that higher rates improve any outcomes, yet the C‐section rates continue to rise."

National C -section rates are on the rise for many reasons, according to the new study. Some factors include common practices such as labor induction and epidural use, which can lead to complications that in turn, can lead to C-sections. Factors that lead to risky deliveries in general — including obesity, diabetes, multiple babies and increased age — are also on the rise.

Some mothers and physicians opt for C-sections just so the timing of the birth is convenient for one or both, the study said.

The rising rate isn't without risk. "Although C‐sections are generally considered safe, it is important to understand that a C-section is still a major surgical procedure that includes serious risks to mothers and babies," the study authors wrote.

Pass it on: C-section rates continue to climb, and many may be unnecessary."

Why'd you name your son 'Sarah'?

2011-07-16T13:12:00.001-04:00

You'd be surprised how often I get this question after introducing my son, Seraph.

It's quite amusing. Most people give us this look after we say Seraph's name. I can tell they are questioning, but don't want to say, "Do WHAT?!?". (That's Southern talk for "Could you please repeat that?")

Most people resort to "Seth", assuming they've misheard, or actually continue to call him "Sarah." No matter how dramatically I annunciate the "PH", people don't get it. Sometimes I just let them call him whatever, but here lately I've been doing things a bit differently.

Now it's, "Hi. This is my son Seraph….like Sheriff." Seraph the Sheriff.

I've found when I introduce him in this way most people accept the name as they would any other. They might give that raised-eyebrow, mouth-pursed, quick nod that indicates something like, "Boy that's a NEW one…" But gone is the "Why are you calling him by a girl's name" misunderstanding. It's just something about the word Sheriff…not too many girl sheriffs out there, I guess.

So where did we get the name "Seraph"? Well, I point over at my husband. He's the culprit.

Shortly after Ryan and I got married, he told me that he only had two boys' names that he liked. When I heard them, one I could handle, Seth, and the other elicited an audible sound of disgust--Seraph. Seraph? Really? "I'll NEVER call my son that!"

But when I was pregnant, even before we found out that he was a boy, I had grown fond of the name. I'm fond of unusual names anyway (hey, I grew up with the name Jennifer…let's opt for something a bit less common, please), and something in me couldn't shake the name 'Seraph'.

On top of all that, I just knew that my baby was a boy. We had a million girl name possibilities, but only one boy name possibility. Nothing else seemed right.

I'd waiver now and again about whether to put such an odd name on a child. And time and time again God would reassure me that "Seraph" was the name He willed for my child.

The semester I found out I was pregnant I was singing in a choral group out of Chapel Hill. No one in the group knew I was expecting yet, but I was already contemplating names. "Seraph" was already the front runner for the boy's name. Honest to goodness, when I walked in a bit late on the first day of rehearsal, the choir was right in the middle of singing an old quartet…and right in the middle of a line about the Cherubim and Seraphim. Now, I've been singing for a long time. But never until then had I ever sung a song (other than Holy, Holy, Holy) about Seraphim.

That semester we sang two songs that mentioned them.

I remember the morning of the "Big" ultrasound when we were to find out the sex of our baby. I was getting dressed for the appointment that morning and Ryan was listening to BBN. A preacher was teaching on the hierarchy of angelic beings…from Angels to Archangels to Cherubim….and finally to Seraphim, the highest rank of angel.

God confirmed for me right then that my son was indeed a son, and that his name was meant to be Seraph. He could have spoken no louder to me than he did to Zechariah when it came to naming John the Baptist. It was clear. There were no more doubts.

So what are Seraphim?

Isaiah 6:1-7

In the year that King Uzziah died, I saw the Lord, high and exalted, seated on a throne; and the train of his robe filled the temple. Above him were seraphim, each with six wings: With two wings they covered their faces, with two they covered their feet, and with two they were flying. And they were calling to one another: “Holy, holy, holy is the LORD Almighty;
the whole earth is full of his glory.”
At the sound of their voices the doorposts and thresholds shook and the temple was filled with smoke.
“Woe to me!” I cried. “I am ruined! For I am a man of unclean lips, and I live among a people of unclean lips, and my eyes have seen the King, the LORD Almighty.”
Then one of the seraphim flew to me with a live coal in his hand, which he had taken with tongs from the altar. With it he touched my mouth and said, “See, this has touched your lips; your guilt is taken away and your sin atoned for.”

The Seraphim are heavenly beings that surround the Throne of God, offering up continuous praise and worship to Him. They are symbols of power, strength, fear and purity.

(Also, for Matrix buffs like my husband, Seraph is the really cool guardian of the oracle.)

Now that sends chills down my spine. To name my son after the highest rank of angel, the burning ones with six wings with which to glorify God...is, at the very least, honoring. What better name could I bestow to a son?

Technically, Seraph means "burning one". In the original text it is a masculine term, just as 'angel' is a masculine term. In actuality, there are no scriptures that refer to angels as being females or as having feminine qualities. The idea that angels are beautiful, dainty women with wings is simply a societal misinterpretation and misrepresentation of Biblical truth. Reality is quite the contrary. Angels--and Seraphim--are powerful, frightening, mystical beings…They embody the glory of the heavens and shine with the light of God!

So, folks, Seraph is my son's name. (And, yes, of course. His middle name starts with an 'M'.) Like it or not. It's not "Sarah" and it surely isn't feminine. So, please pass the news along. His name is powerful and has abundant meaning. I hope that when he grows up he likes it as much as I do. And I pray that God uses even a child's name to His glory, which is what Ryan and I envisioned and hoped for all along.

Delayed cord clamping. What's that?

2011-07-12T17:38:00.000-04:00

When I was pregnant with Seraph, I looked seriously into cord blood banking. One of the major factors in choosing not to have this procedure done was expense--cord blood collection and banking is expensive!

However, after doing much research on the issue, I discovered that banking my infant's blood was a bad idea for other…much more important…reasons. Thankfully, we decided to practice "delayed cord clamping"--that is, waiting until after the blood in the umbilical cord has moved to the infant (or after it stops pulsing).

Did you know:
-There is NO need to quickly clamp and/or cut the umbilical cord of a baby. Doing so could be dangerous and possibly have long-term affects.
-The blood that is collected belongs to the baby. It isn't just leftovers.
-In the few vital minutes right after birth, babies need all the oxygen they can get. Prematurely clamping and/or cutting the cord deprived the baby of this much needed oxygen.
-Leaving the umbilical cord intact in the event of an emergency rather than cutting it will ensure that the baby is still receiving oxygen from the placenta, and will therefore aid in resuscitation if necessary.
-That the cord taken from the umbilical cord amount to about 1/4 of the infant's total blood volume at any given time?
-The stem cell research that is conducted on these collected blood cells is intended to help discover ways to treat and prevent some of the very diseases and illnesses caused by the collection procedure itself?
-There is a market for your baby's blood after it's collected. Whether you know it or not, after your baby's cord has been clamped prematurely, the hospital may sell the remaining blood to the highest bidder (for research purposes) without your knowledge.

I could write this post all day, but not nearly as adequately or eloquently as the information that's already available if you search. The best place I could direct you to would be here: Delayed Cord Clamping

That Facebook page is updated very often with articles and research on the topic. Please take a look and consider delaying the clamping of your next baby's cord!

"Tinkle Tar!"

2011-07-07T19:49:00.000-04:00

In case you're wondering, "Manatee!" is a song from a VeggieTales video.

ENJOY!!

Judah's Metabolic Screening...

2011-07-07T17:53:00.000-04:00

Came back normal!

YAY!

We were worried that he possibly had infant hypothyroidism, a very rare congenital condition that--if gone untreated--would have caused serious issues developmentally and physically. His raspy cry, infrequent bowel movements, and difficulty gaining weight were cause for concern and were three possible symptoms of this disorder. However, it appears he is perfectly healthy, just on the small side and a slow gainer!

So, those of you who knew, thanks for your prayers. Judah is gaining weight now that I have given in to supplementing more (using Crystal's milk). I haven't weighed him lately, but will tonight. I suspect he is nearing 10 pounds! I am still giving him the probiotics as well. It has helped with his gas and he is pooing more regularly now!

Again, thanks for the prayers!

Episiotomy?

2011-07-07T17:30:00.000-04:00

“When we treat high-risk women in high-risk settings, we lower their risk. When we treat low-risk women as if they were high risk, we increase their risk and create complications. That is what we are doing today.”

Thank this doc for the episiotomy you WON'T have!

When you picture a birth activist, you probably imagine a 20-something woman marching in the streets with an enormous belly.
You are less likely to envision a 70-something academic and grandfather.
And yet physician Michael C. Klein has had – and continues to have – a remarkable impact on the lives of mothers and babies around the world.
Klein is the first to admit that he owes a good measure of the birthing wisdom that first sparked his career to a group of midwives he met in Ethiopia, back when he was on a year-and-a-half leave of absence from medical school at Stanford University.
“It started with my exposure to midwives.”
Curiosity and a questioning mind brought him to that place—to Ethiopia and to the midwives who were practicing in a general hospital adjacent to the hospital where he was working.
“The midwives let me catch babies,” he recalls.
He was fascinated by natural childbirth: by the way midwives delivered babies without episiotomy. The surgical cut to the perineum to make more room for the baby’s head was as much a part of having a baby as the perineal shave in 1960s North America.
What he learned from those midwives set the stage for Klein’s entire career, igniting his interest in old and new birth technologies and the need to improve maternity care.
It also set him on a collision course with his professors when he returned to Stanford. “If you want to practice primitive medicine, you will have to go to the county hospital,” he was told. His crime? Delivering babies without episiotomy.
Fortunately, Klein is not someone who is easily dissuaded. Faced with resistance, he simply applies additional gentle, consistent pressure. That was his style then and it continues to be his style today. Klein is served well by both his diverse passions (he studied both political science and biology as an undergrad) and meticulous attention to detail; he reviewed the information on episiotomy in every edition of Williams’ Obstetrics from the 1920s through the early 1990s in his quest to challenge the traditional wisdom about the procedure. Those qualities, combined with powerful moral conviction (he and his wife, filmmaker Bonnie Klein, emigrated from the U.S. to Canada when he refused to become a military physician during the Vietnam War) have made him a tremendous advocate for birthing mothers and their babies.
His best-known study, published in 1992, turned decades of obstetrical thinking on its head by demonstrating that episiotomy caused the very types of trauma that it was believed to prevent. That study is widely credited for leading to a dramatic drop in episiotomy rates (from 60 percent or higher to 20 percent or lower) and rectal tear rates (of 4.5 percent or higher to approximately 1 percent).
Not surprisingly, his efforts have won him accolades from such respected organizations as the North American Primary Care Research Group, the College of Family Physicians of Canada, DONA International (the international association of doulas), Lamaze International, and the College of Family Physicians, to say nothing of the gratitude of those mothers who have not had to endure routine episiotomies just because someone thought it was a good idea.
Although he claims to be semi-retired, Klein continues to hold down five positions (Professor Emeritus of Family Practice and Paediatrics at the University of British Columbia is one of them). And in the past three months alone, he has published (with colleagues) four major birth-related studies.
What drives his research is his concern about mothers and babies. He is alarmed by the rising maternal mortality rate (the result of increased maternal obesity, delayed childbirth and unnecessary cesarean sections). Klein says he’s also troubled by the fact that technology is becoming a routine part of the birth environment, even though research suggests that epidurals and non-stop electronic fetal monitoring should only happen when specifically warranted.
“The fundamental problem is not about normal childbirth; it’s about making normal childbirth abnormal,” he explains. “When we treat high-risk women in high-risk settings, we lower their risk. When we treat low-risk women as if they were high risk, we increase their risk and create complications. That is what we are doing today.”
His research has shown that the younger generation of obstetricians (those age 40 or younger) is more likely to support the routine use of technology during birth than older obstetricians. Family physicians who provide prenatal care but who do not attend births are more likely to favour interventions as well, he says. Klein blames this on fear of normal birth, the result of simply not having attended enough normal births to build confidence in the process.
Today it’s midwives who tend to be the guardians of normal birth in Canada. Klein’s just-published study about the attitudes of midwives shows that midwives thoughts and belief about birth are very much in synch with those of normal birth.
Klein is the first to admit that his comments sometimes trigger a reaction from other members of the birth community, most notably the Society of Obstetricians and Gynaecologists of Canada (SOGC), which recently issued a press release objecting to comments he made in a press release issued by the University of British Columbia describing his most recent research.
Klein, in turn, describes the SOGC as a very progressive organization. His issue is with the obstetrical profession as opposed to the SOGC itself: “The problem is that society has invested surgeons with control over normal childbirth.”
He’d really prefer to sidestep the politics entirely to focus on what matters most to him. “I’m primarily interested in the well-being of mothers and babies rather than the internal politics of medicine. I see nothing incompatible with promoting family practice and midwifery.”
Ann Douglas is the author of The Mother of All Pregnancy Books (2nd edition, June 2011). You can read her column on parentcentral.ca.

Home Births on the rise!

2011-07-07T17:25:00.000-04:00

Most of my posts on birth, pregnancy and breastfeeding are personal and/or opinion based. I have not taken the time to write percentages or quoted any studies because I feel that me writing all that stuff down is unnecessary and redundant--it already exists in abundance out there in web land.

However, I've also come to the conclusion that the information is only as avaliable as there exists the knowledge and will to search. So I've decided to begin posting interesting articles on here that I find. Hopefully, compiling the information in one place will make it easier for some reader to find any information they need on natural/home birth, breastfeeding, etc. So, here's the first of such posts. Expect to see these often. (Find them under "Articles-Information-and Statistics on the right had side of your screen under "Common Topics".)

Home Birth on the rise by 20%

NEW YORK (AP) — One mother chose home birth because it was cheaper than going to a hospital. Another gave birth at home because she has multiple sclerosis and feared unnecessary medical intervention. And some choose home births after cesarean sections with their first babies.

Whatever their motivation, all are among a striking trend: Home births increased 20 percent from 2004 to 2008, accounting for 28,357 of 4.2 million U.S. births, according to a study from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention released in May.

White women led the drive, with 1 in 98 having babies at home in 2008, compared to 1 in 357 black women and 1 in 500 Hispanic women.

Sherry Hopkins, a Las Vegas midwife, said the women whose home births she's attended include a pediatrician, an emergency room doctor and nurses. "We're definitely seeing well-educated and well-informed people who want to give birth at home," she said.

Robbie Davis-Floyd, a medical anthropologist at the University of Texas at Austin and researcher on global trends in childbirth, obstetrics and midwifery, said "at first, in the 1970s, it was largely a hippie, countercultural thing to give birth outside of the hospital. Over the years, as the formerly 'lay' midwives have become far more sophisticated, so has their clientele."

The American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists, which certifies OB-GYNs, warns that home births can be unsafe, especially if the mother has high-risk conditions, if a birth attendant is inadequately trained and if there's no nearby hospital in case of emergency. Some doctors also question whether a "feminist machoism" is at play in wanting to give birth at home.

But home birthers say they want to be free of drugs, fetal monitors, IVs and pressure to hurry their labor at the behest of doctors and hospitals. They prefer to labor in tubs of water or on hands and knees, walk around their living rooms or take comfort in their own beds, surrounded by loved ones as they listen to music or hypnosis recordings with the support of midwives and doulas. Some even go without midwives and rely on husbands or other non-professionals for support.

Julie Jacobs, 38, of Baltimore, who has multiple sclerosis, said she "chose midwives and hypnosis because I wanted to surround myself with people who would support me as a birthing mother, rather than view me as an MS patient who would be a liability in need of interventions at every turn."

Her first two children were born in a freestanding birth center operated by midwives. After the center closed, her third child was born at home in 2007. "If I had been in a hospital I probably would have had C-sections for all three," she said. "With the first, I would have been terrified to try a home birth. After the second one I was like, hey, I can't necessarily walk in a straight line, but I can do this."

Some home birthers cite concerns over cesarean sections. The U.S. rate of C-sections in hospitals hovers around 32 percent, soaring up to 60 percent in some areas. In some cases, there's a "too posh to push" mentality of scheduled inductions for convenience sake (Victoria Beckham had three).

Gina Crosley-Corcoran, a Chicago blogger and pre-law student, had a C-section with her first baby and chronicled nightmarish pressure from nurses and doctors to abandon a vaginal birth with her second. She followed up with a third child born at home in April.

"I do think there's a backlash against what's happening in hospitals," she said. "Women are finding that the hospital experience wasn't a good one."

In Portland, Ore., acupuncturist Becca Seitz gave birth to both her children at home, the first time in 2007 because she and her husband were without insurance.

"It was never on my radar, until we couldn't afford otherwise," she said. "I'm granola, but not that granola. It cost us $3,300, as opposed to over $10,000 in a hospital."

Her midwife was prepared with the drug Pitocin, oxygen and other medical equipment.

"They were both born over the toilet," she said. "It was a nice position. It's a way that we're used to pushing."

Dr. Joel Evans, the rare board-certified OB-GYN who supports home birth, said the medical establishment has become "resistant to change, resistant to dialogue, resistant to flexibility."

"Women are now looking for alternatives where they can be treated as individuals, as opposed to being forced to comply with protocols, which however well meaning, have the impact of both medicalizing childbirth and increasing stress and anxiety around delivery," said Evans, founder and director of the Center for Women's Health in Stamford, Conn., and an assistant clinical professor at the Albert Einstein College of Medicine in New York.

By some accounts, in 1900, 95 percent of U.S. births took place at home. That slipped to half by 1938 and less than 1 percent by 1955.

Today, most midwife-attended births take place in hospitals in the U.S., and many midwives are licensed nurses. But there are also close to 1,700 midwives who practice outside of hospitals, said Davis-Floyd. In 27 states, so-called "lay" midwives who lack nurses' training but are licensed and certified as professional midwives can attend births legally.

Some women chose home births after learning about it from TV shows or documentaries. The show-all "House of Babies" on Discovery Health Channel from 2005 to 2009 was filmed at a Miami birth center run by a midwife. Actress Ricki Lake screened her movie, "The Business of Being Born," around the United States in 2007 after giving birth at home to her second child. The film also showed Lake's filmmaking partner, Abby Epstein, documenting her own frantic taxi ride to a New York hospital after abandoning her home birth because the baby presented feet first, with the umbilical cord wrapped around his neck.

Michael Robertson, 27, of Poulsbo, Wash., knew nothing about home birth before watching the TLC series.

"I just really had my mind set on a water birth, like on the show," she said. "It looked so cool, so relaxing."

She had two babies at home, but opted for a planned hospital delivery for her third child due to complications. She's glad she had the choice. "If you don't know your options, you don't know what's out there to begin with," she said. "I don't think an OB will say to you, 'Hey, did you know there was this thing called home birth.'"

Most studies of home birth have been criticized as too small to accurately assess safety or distinguish between planned and unplanned deliveries, according to researchers Kenneth C. Johnson and Betty-Anne Daviss.

In 2005, they published a study in the British Medical Journal based on nearly 5,500 home births involving certified professional midwives in the United States and Canada. The study, considered one of the largest for home births, showed 88 percent had positive outcomes, while 12 percent of the women were transferred to hospitals, including 9 percent for preventive reasons and 3 percent for emergencies.

The study showed an infant mortality rate of 2 out of every 1,000 births, about the same as in hospitals at the time, Davis-Floyd said.

"Women who are truly educated in evidence-based maternity care understand the safety and the multiple benefits of home birth," she said.

A Dichotomy, an Oxymoron? I believe so.

2011-07-04T22:15:00.004-04:00

Oil and water.

Cheese and fish.

Black shoes and brown belt. Plaid shorts, striped socks.

Tires and nails.

Chewing gum, hair.

Bare feet…dog poo.

These things just don't go together. They are naturally and unequivocally opposed.

Ironically, some mommies display a similar contradiction when it comes to birth vs. the rest of their parenting beliefs.

No matter how smart we are, poor or rich, proper or improper, classy, posh, ritzy, plain or ordinary, we seek the best we can provide for our children. We feed, love, clothe (sometimes extravagantly), and nurture our little ones. Some of us even go to unmeasured extremes or choose unconventional methods of child rearing--things that aren't necessarily necessary, but make us feel like we've earned some Best Mommy Badge to wear on our lapels--

Some believe in things like extended breastfeeding, cloth diapering (only organic cotton will do, mind you), baby-wearing, preparing our own baby food, staying at home full-time, using only whole foods that haven't been genetically altered, enrolling our kids in Montessori schools (only if we just can't home school, which is always the first option)...putting our kids into piano lessons at 2.5 years old…

Others believe in attachment parenting, co-sleeping, no vaccinations…

Another may believe in any and all vaccinations, scheduled feedings, spanking and crib sleeping.

Formula, clothing brands, daycares, and diaper rash ointment--it's ALL considered, scrutinized and carefully chosen...

We naively believe all these things make or break our kids…that maybe these choices will be what sets them apart from all the other…more ADHD, less behaved…children.

But we never question how we birth our babies. Unlike everything else when it comes to parenting, we accept the norm in regards to American pregnancy and birth culture. We might even, unknowingly, accept mediocre…or less.

Well, I'm not going to be one of those ladies. I WILL question my doctor. Though I am not one, and have never claimed to be, I know my body, limits, and emotions better than anyone. My mind and spirit are instinctively connected to my body, and when pregnant, my unborn baby as well. While I respect and appreciate doctors for what they can offer me, I realize that they practice from their own worldviews about women's bodies. They, just like all humans, have finite knowledge and ability. I will consider the opinions of health care professionals when it comes to my births, but I will foremost trust GOD, and that he created my body to function as it should, without much medical assistance.

I WILL question the need for interventions. I may choose to accept them or not. But I WILL be informed and only then offer consent.

I WILL love my body and my baby even before and through the birth process….meaning I'll view conception, pregnancy, and birth not as a precursor to my baby's life, but the commencement of it. I will lead and guide these processes just like I will later help my baby learn to walk, read, and draw.

I WILL NOT sit back to watch and be passive in my child's birth. Doing so, yet expecting that badge on my lapel…

is an insurmountable dichotomy. An oxymoron.

And those of you who claim that how and with whom and with what technology a baby is born is of no significance to the future and health of that child--despite the plethora of existing information to the contrary…are erroneously misguided. I'm not buying it.

The least you can do for your baby is know what you're doing, if it is medically necessary, and why. Know any alternatives to any and all interventions. Make educated, informed, well thought-out decisions. Be an active participant, not a bystander. If you do that, your choices are valid and right. If not, you're making a grave mistake…in my humblest, but most informed of opinions.

Because otherwise, the organic baby food that you so carefully prepared is of a tad bit lesser value in the grand scheme of things.

Why Women Need Prenatal Ed

2011-07-04T21:25:00.003-04:00

What I've been saying all along.

Is natural birth safe??

Click the links, Ladies. Read. Get Informed. Change the world. One birth at a time.

Just to feel him

2011-07-02T17:04:00.001-04:00

Sometimes I just hold him and stare.

Just watch him breathe.
In and out. The smallest of sounds.

Just to feel his warmth.
Carry his weight.
The feel of him in my hands.

Study his ear. Memorize his face.

When he's crying, I might pause.
And listen to his voice.

Sometimes I hold him close.
When there is no need but my own.

I stroke his toes. Watch them curl.

Sometimes, I touch him.
Just to feel him.
To know he's there.
Breathe him in. Smell his smell.
His hair.
His sounds.

A heartbeat.

My tears fall down his cheek and I know
Not to take him for granted.
And not to forget.

He's a gift that was given…
For only a short while.

I wonder why he gets to stay with me.
And why others have to leave.

I will raise him with Joy,
in remembrance of all the other babies…

And all the other mommies who are missing their babies.

Who would die for what I have.

The critics agree…a decision has been made!

2011-07-01T13:06:00.000-04:00

Judah MOST looks like (at least right now)…...

HIS BIG BROTHER!!! Can you tell who's who?

Judah Buddah

2011-06-24T14:51:00.002-04:00

He'll hate that nickname, I'm sure!

Judah was two months old yesterday! And I thought I'd steal an idea from Lindsay…that is, to take Judah's picture every month with the same stuffed animal to watch him grow through the months.

And, ya'll are in LUCK! I have just the perfect stuffed animal….

Here is Judah at one month.

And here he is at two months!

At two months Judah is:
*weighing in at 8lb, 11.5 ounces and is at the 25th percentile as far as length and head circumference.
*still fitting in his newborn cloths with much room to spare!
*smiling and chuckling
*He loves to coo and talk to himself and has the most cute horse/raspy cry.
*He's not a big eater.
*He's lost a good bit of his newborn hair.
*He doesn't take a passi well..only sometimes
*Unlike his big brother, he isn't fond of his swing. He prefers his vibrating bouncy seat (which his brother despised).
*Also unlike his brother, he loves being swaddled!

He makes the cutest face by lifting his right eyebrow, wrinkling his forehead. He makes this face often…especially when he's nursing. It's a very inquisitive look. He looks like an old soul when he does this...

And here are some more cute faces he makes:

And…last but not least…do you think he's looking like me yet? Even a LITTLE???? Here's to hoping!

Judah, of course!

Disgusting

2011-06-23T17:08:00.001-04:00

My friend Matt was just tagged in a girl's photo on Facebook. He says he is unable to remove the tag and does not know the girl. My husband has confirmed that this has happened to friends of his as well without their consent/knowledge.

The picture is the body shot of a girl in a thong without a top. She is standing in full exposure, with only a tiny black square over her nipples.

My point? FB has not removed the picture or poster of the picture and it has been posted for at least half a day. Yet within 3 hours they had deleted the picture of me breastfeeding Judah.

I just reported the picture and the person. Then I went to download the picture to put it here to show you just how MIXED UP Facebook is. However, now I can only see the thumbnail of the picture, but cannot save it.

Something is wrong here. What's going to be done about this?

Setting Things Straight

2011-06-23T16:41:00.006-04:00

I realize that my many posts on breastfeeding are highlighting the difficulties I am having and not paying much attention to the JOY I have in doing what I'm doing for Judah.

So I just wanted to set the record straight! Breastfeeding my babies is something I WANT to do, I just happen to have difficulties along the way. I choose to blog about these difficulties, not to discourage anyone from trying to breastfeed. Quite the contrary. I blog about them to let people know how VALUABLE and WORTHY a cause it is to go the extra mile to provide breast milk for your children. Not all moms can do this…formula is a necessity. It was for me with Seraph and may be for my future children. But if I can provide breast milk…however the method…then by all means, why not!?!?

I would never want to sway anyone away from such a lovely, pure, natural, healthy thing. Please, dear readers, don't get the wrong impression.

Most people don't have the issues I have when it comes to breastfeeding. I envy you if you are one of these moms! In fact the statistics speak for themselves. MOST moms have the capability to make MORE than enough to feed their baby, which is how many moms are able to successfully feed twins and triplets without supplementing. For some reason, however, my body (as it often is) is an anomaly.

Crystal has said to me many times, "Don't tell people this isn't your milk. It IS your milk. I'm giving it to you. It's none of their business."

She said just the other day, "You're not like most women…I think they'd be ashamed to admit they couldn't make enough milk and that they were using someone else's. Most would probably just go to formula, even if they had the option of using surrogate milk!"

Well, I will never deny that I use Crystal's milk for several reasons:

1. Zion lived. His mommy's body loves him and provides nourishment for him still, and she chooses to foster that in remembrance of her son. That's a beautiful thing. Judah getting to use his milk is part of Zion's legacy. I'll never deny myself the opportunity to tell someone about Zion and what he and his mommy have done for our family.

2. Breastfeeding is a worthy cause and worth fighting for. Formula is not the worst, but the last option.

3. More mommies need to embrace breastfeeding and breast milk, despite where it comes from. They need to learn about it and its benefits to themselves and their babies. Despite my own trials with breastfeeding, I would still prefer to struggle--with Crystal's help--and not throw in the towel so easily.

4. Through the crazy notion of using donor breast milk, maybe I can inspire someone. Would one mom be willing to use donor milk or choose to donate her excess milk because she sees that there are other moms out there who are DESPERATE to feed their babies with breast milk? If so, I've done a worthy deed.

So, yes, I have breastfeeding issues. But despite those issues, I want to breastfeed Judah. I'm grateful to Zion and Crystal for helping me do that and I hope to inspire you to continue continuing on if you ever have breastfeeding issues of your own!

You can read more about Crystal and Zion here and here.

Woe, thy name is Breastfeeding.

2011-06-21T16:04:00.002-04:00

Here's another post for those of you who are following my breastfeeding chronicles. For those of you who aren't, here's a snap shot run down:

1. 2 years ago, I nursed my first son, Seraph, and fought with supply and latch issues for the entire 8 months I nursed. MUCH to my dislike, I ended up supplementing with formula early and eventually went to formula altogether.

2. This time around I was determined not to supplement and have been nursing/pumping like a mad woman. However, Judah has not been gaining weight and I have dealt with mastitis, clogged ducts, milk blisters, and low supply. I've supplemented with Zion's milk. My dear, dear friend, Crystal…thank you.

So where am I now? Well, quite literally--I'm at work pumping.

But, more importantly, where are Judah and I in this breastfeeding relationship? Answer: we're struggling, but pushing on.

I saw the primary midwife yesterday for the first time since Judah's birth (we've been seeing the "backup"). Within five minutes, she had uttered three things that dismayed me: "scrawny baby, failure to thrive, and metabolic screening."

Now, she wasn't being mean and she wasn't saying that Judah is failing to thrive. She said something like, "For babies who are having trouble thriving, I strongly recommend a metabolic screening just to rule out any digestive issues."

As of yesterday, Judah weighs 8lbs, 11oz. That's only a gain of just under 2 lbs from his birth weight. Ideally, he should be gaining about twice what he's been gaining, which has been an average of 4.5 to 5.5 ounces a week. He poops only every 2-3 days. (Though I am discouraged by this, I know that Judah is on the low end of "normal" as described by Dr. Sears here.)

I am in much distress! And on top of all that, the blisters and blockages are back! Big time. I'll spare you the details, but let's just say this: my nipple gave birth yesterday. EWWW. Yes, I know.

Judah is a calm baby…never fussy, really. He's also a laaaazy drinker. So I have a hard time knowing when he's had enough. He falls asleep quickly at the breast, but wakes up instantly when he is removed. He does the same with a bottle. He isn't a gulper. It takes him twice as long, if not longer, to drink a 3-4oz bottle than the average baby. So, when it comes to BFing, I believe that he's not being very effective in emptying the ducts, which is what keeps causing the blockages. I am concerned that mastitis might be in my future again if I don't start chowing down on the garlic and get these plugs removed.

Meanwhile, can we say PAIN. P.A.I.N. Stand-on-your-toes-hop-up-and-down-and-try-not-to-shout-obscenities-or-take-the-Lord's-name-in-vain kind of pain. Worse than natural labor kind of pain. Yes, ma'am, that's right.

So we have an appointment on Wednesday to have the metabolic screening completed. (Mind you, this is the SECOND attempt to have this done, but the pediatrician's office made an error and the lab would not process the specimen. They threw it way. My baby was pricked and bled in vain. AND on top of that, I have to go in at my own expense, and pay them AGAIN to complete the test they screwed up to begin with.) It concerns me that he even needs this. Metabolic issues are rare, but when present, the result is usually some type of physical or mental impairment if the infant's diet is not controlled very early.

I couldn't sleep last night thinking about this. I don't want to be hurting my baby. I don't want to starve my baby. I can't imagine him in pain or not getting the nutrients he needs.

And so I imagine all these horrible things and I question his development….

I ask myself, "Is he reaching his milestones?"

And, when I see this face, I answer:

"Of course he is!" Precious thing!

I've begun adding some infant probiotics to expressed milk twice daily.

They say this stuff works wonders for so many issues (digestive concerns, colic, allergy and asthma prevention, eczema, etc.), so we're giving it a try. I think I might put Seraph on it as well.

Anyway, that's where we are. I've given in to supplementing with Crystal's milk as much as I need to to get this baby to GAIN WEIGHT. The Domperidone is on it's way from Canada. I'll stop on my way home from work to get more garlic…I'll wear out this pump if it kills me!

Be in Prayer for my nipples!